Waiting for baby orange

Long overdue birth story, part 1

2007-03-19T13:20:00.000-04:00

First off, I just want to say that Maxine is great! She is a super baby. And I am growing into motherhood. It is exhilarating and exhausting, but all worth it!

To really tell my birth story we need to go back to my last OB appointment before Maxine was born. On December 27 I went to the OBs for my 38 week appointment and an ultrasound for size issues. I had been 70% effaced and 1 cm dilated for a few weeks…..

The ultrasound was first. The technician told me that the baby was so big that she was out-of-range on the size charts, one of the biggest she had seen. Then came the OB appt. It was with an OB that I had not met yet, and one of the males in the practice (I have issues with male OBs.) He then proceeded to tell me that I would be unlikely to deliver the baby vaginally and that I should schedule a Cesarean. After much crying and calls to Mr. M and my mom I reluctantly scheduled one for January 10th, a few days after my EDD. In the meantime I contacted my doula and we discussed ways to “get things moving” and that if I wanted to, I could deliver vaginally.

I was so confused at this point. I really wanted to deliver vaginally, but now I was worried about the health of the baby. The estimate was that Maxi would be about 10 pounds and the OB was worried about shoulder distocia. After all that I had been through to get to 38 weeks, I was not prepared to risk the health of my baby. In the end I decided to push back the date for the Cesarean, and hope to try labor, but know that if something went wrong in labor I would opt for the Cesarean.

OK, now it is January 1st. Mr. M and I had spent a quiet few days at home. I was REALLY big and REALLY uncomfortable. Peeing every 2 hours and barely moving. Now that I know how big the baby was, I understand why I was so uncomfortable. I mean I was crying I was so uncomfortable. Anyway at 6 PM Mr. M went into the ally to put out the trash cans for the next morning. I was putting around the house collecting newspapers for the recycling. I went to give him more paper for the recycling when I noticed that there was a man with a GUN at Mr. M’s back in our back yard. I cannot begin to explain the thoughts going through my head. The most prominent thought was that Mr. M was going to get shot with me 39 weeks pregnant and that I was going to have to raise our beautiful baby alone.

Mr. M calmly asked me to go into the house and get all the money out of our wallets. I was shaking and petrified, but tried to find the phone to call 911. I did not have time to do that though as the assailant marched Mr. M at gun point into our house right to the middle of the living room where I was trying to call 911 and get the money. The guy took the phone and hung it up and asked me where the money was. Here is the kicker, between the both of us, we had 2 dollar. Yup, only 2 dollars. I begged the assailant to take our credit cards, computer, anything he wanted. I was petrified that he would think I was lying about the money and hurt Mr. M.

This all seems like it took forever, but in reality, it was over in a few minutes. During this whole incident one of our dogs was going crazy barking at the guy. She goes crazy when there is someone in the house she does not know. We think between being so big I looked like I was going to fall over and the crazy 25 pound dog at his heels, the assailant left with our 2 dollars out the back door and back through the ally. We then called 911, the police came and it was over.

The police did want to call an ambulance for me. I think they thought I was going to go into labor that moment….turns out they were not that far off!

That night we went to bed still pretty shaken up by the events. I could not sleep. I just kept seeing Mr. M with a gun at his back in our living room. At 3 AM I got up to go the bathroom. I peed a little and when I stood back up more fluid came out. I thought, great, now I can’t even pee right anymore. So I sat back down, nothing. Stood up, more fluid. I did this 4 or so times before I realized there was some blood in the fluid…holy shit my water broke! Woke up Mr. M and we both wondered what to do. I knew the OB would want me to the hospital, but I did not have any contractions. I called my doula and she told me to get some sleep and in the morning take a long walk to jump start my labor. Right, like I could sleep at all.

At around 8 AM we took an hour long walk with the dogs (now our heroes), still no contractions. Then I pulled out the breast pump to try some nipple stimulation. OK, not only did that not work, but it hurt like hell. Now it was around 11 AM, my doula told me I could stay home a bit longer, but the OBs office (I had called at 9 AM) wanted me in the hospital. I am sure I could have stayed home longer, but now I was worried about the baby and wanted to be in a safer place, so we headed in.

We got to the hospital around 1 PM. Around 2 PM the OB checked me. I was still only 1 CM. She also did an ultrasound to check my fluid because the swab test had been inconclusive for amniotic fluid. Turns out I still had most of my amniotic fluid, but there was an area up top without any. She thought I had a tear of my sac at the top of my uterus, but it was a slow leak. Since the baby looked fine, we decided that I could have a few more hours to try and get my labor started before we started pitocin. But it was no use. Around 4 PM we started pitocin.

At first everything was OK. I had contractions, but I could handle them. The OB was unimpressed; she was looking for a much more vigorous labor pattern. This is where things started to go FAR away from what I wanted. My labor plan was all about a labor and delivery with as few medical interventions as possible….

Over the next few hours I had an amniotomy, an internal pressure monitor, and LOTS of pitocin. Finally I was in a more active labor pattern, but now the pain was unbearable. I was in so much pain that I was suffering. I lasted about 2 hours and eventually became dissociative. I begged for the epidural. I was only 3 CM, but I knew that I could not handle the pain.

I had the worst anesthesiologist ever. It took him 5 tries to get it in and told me my spine was curved. It was awful, but compared to the pain of pitocin-induced labor, it was nothing.

The immediate pain relief from the epi was WONDERFUL. But now I had so many tubes in and out of me: an IV, the epi, the internal pressure monitor, the external fetal Doppler, and the very fun catheter. So not what I wanted.

We slept on an off through the night. Mr. M was on the floor since he insisted the doula keep the chair, poor guy. I also got sick at this point and was vomiting every few hours. The nurse eventually gave me some anti nausea meds which made me really drowsy. I kept dilating, although slowly. Then I stopped. I ended up at 8.5 CM and was there for 5 hours. It was now 10 AM and I was now really uncomfortable. I was exhausted and felt really fuzzy. I had not slept that night or the night before and I was done. I had also been stuck in the bed since 7 PM the previous night and while the baby was fine, she had been without amniotic fluid for 31 hours. It was pretty clear a vaginally delivery was not in the cards. I asked the OB how quickly she could get me into the OR for a Cesarean.

On one hand I was desperate to get the baby out. I needed to make sure she was OK. But when we made decisions about how I was going to labor and deliver, the one thing I had said was that I absolutely did not want a Cesarean. I was disappointed in myself that I could not do it. I definitely felt like a failure, but knew the C was the right thing to do at that time.

Everything happened really quickly from there. A new anesthesiologist talked to me while a nurse shaved me and the OB walked in and out of the room. I felt very exposed, but I was so out of it at that point, I hardly cared. Then Mr. M got his scrubs and I was wheeled away.

Once in the OR I was moved to the operating table. That was not an experience I want to repeat. My legs were numb and I was tipped this way and that way to get me from the bed to the table. I seriously thought I was going to fall. Then Mr. M came in and it was started.

At 11:13 AM on January 3rd my long awaited baby was pulled out of me. The OB held it up for Mr. M to see and he told me we had a girl! I don’t remember a lot of the details at this point, but I do remember the sound of surprise in Mr. M’s voice, we were pretty convinced that we were having a boy!

Then they took her to be cleaned and weighed and told us that she was 11 lbs 8.7 oz. Unfortunately her size meant she had some health issues and I was barely able to see her before she was whisked off to the NICU. I told Mr. M that he was to stay with the baby the whole time, do not leave her side.

They closed me up and I was wheeled into recovery. Thankfully my doula was right there and we called parents to let them know. I was a mess though, shaking uncontrollably and crying. I wanted my baby.

Next up: the NICU and the aftermath!

Arrival

2007-01-12T09:55:00.000-05:00

I am happy to announce the birth of our daughter, Maxine Ruth.

Maxine weighed 11 lbs 8.7 oz at birth and was 23 inches long...no that
is NOT a typo. And I am not sure how I grew such a large baby (I am only 5'2").

She was born on January 3, 2007 at 11:12 AM via cesarean section after
32 hours of labor....needless to say it was a bit of a long ordeal.
She spent 4 days in the NICU due to some glucose level, infection and
jaundice issues. But Maxine is doing great now. and we are so in love with her!

I hope to get you all the sordid birth story....but for now I need to sleep!

Almost there

2007-01-02T05:24:00.000-05:00

It is 5:30 AM on Tuesday, January 2, 2007. I noticed that my water broke a few hours ago at about 3 AM. Mr. M is trying to get some rest before the real show begins.....I cannot seem to rest.

I hope to have some great news in mere days!!!

Typing in a haze of exhaustion

2006-11-15T14:47:00.000-05:00

I have not forgotten about this blog and all of you wonderful ladies in my computer (that is where you live, right?!?!) I am simply too exhuasted to do much more than for which I am currently responsible. Work is a bit difficult right now and my boss left, so my transition to maternity leave got a whole lot more complicated. The class that I teach will be done in 3 weeks, and that cannot come soon enough. I think if I was not teaching, the fall would have been easier. I accepted the offer to teach again this semester in March, who knew I would be 8 months pregnant towards the end of the semester?!?!?

I am 32.5 weeks right now! It is great, but I am ready to be done. I am apparently carrying a huge child. Several women have asked me if I am having twins. (Is it ever appropriate to ask that?) And by ultrasound and fundal hight I measure 3-4 weeks ahead. I keep telling the OBs that we "grow em big" in my family. I was a nice round 10 pounds! I have ample hips though and I am not too worried about a 10 pounder. The doulas we hired are keeping me sane about this and helping me deal with the OBs who are itching to slice me open or induce me before my due date (Jan 7)...neither of which I want.

I am still working through how I want to deliver. Of course my ultimate goal is a healthy child, but I hope to be able to accomplish that with as few medical interventions as necessary. I am excited to work with the doulas and I hope they can help guide me to make the choices I want for me and my child. I am thinking about going epidural free.....we'll see.

We finally ordered nursery furniture, that was a cirus. I kept putting it off. I am not one for the evil eye, but I still felt like I was tempting fate. No matter, it is done. And with my mom's help I have all the essentials for the firth few months. To be honest I am not really sure what all that is, but there is a big pile of baby stuff in the soon-to-be-nursery. So slowly we are getting there.

Mr. M and I are starting to freaking out about what it means to be parents. Getting and staying pregnant were such consuming activities that I am not sure we really understand what awaits us on the other side. Maybe you never do though, until you get there!

Anyway as soon as class is done I hope to have more time to blog and such. I have so many things to say. And I am hoping to convince my OBs to put me out to pasture a few weeks before the due date. We have very generous disability and maternity policies at my work and it would be a shame not to use them to their full extent...right?!?!?

Now for something completely lighter

2006-10-10T11:43:00.000-04:00

Your belly button is not something you think about all that often…well I don’t think about mine very much. But when you are pregnant and start to grow, you notice it. And I have noticed that I have what can only be described as the world’s deepest belly button. At 27 weeks, I still have a pretty substantial belly button. Seeing other women’s “belly shots” they seem to have a flattened if not “popped out” belly button by this stage.

I have grown a whole bunch too, but it is still very present. And I know that it is getting stretched out because the holes from an old navel piercing (long story) are now outside of the remaining belly button. Who knew (and really who cares?) that I have/had such a deep belly button? I would give you a picture, but due to previously mentioned stretch marks, it is not a pretty site. Maybe I won’t get that cherry-on-top look?

Remember me?

2006-10-03T16:24:00.000-04:00

Oh hello there, remember me? No you say? I have not updated in SIX weeks???? Bad, bad orange-baby! I am very sorry. I have thought about posting a million times. (OK maybe not a million, but a bunch.) What has kept me away? I am completely overwhelmed with my full-time job, I teach a graduate level course in the fall semester at Georgetown and oh yeah, I am pregnant in my spare time. By the time I make it to Friday I am a zombie. I might as well not work on Fridays given that I stare at my computer and will myself to work….rather unsuccessfully. And then I crash all weekend to start over on Monday.

The pregnancy is OK. But for some reason my anxiety level about it has only escalated. I was thrilled to make it to 24 weeks, so-called viability, until I looked up the stats on viability. At 24 weeks there is a 50% chance of survival and even then a very high rate of health and developmental problems. At that point 24 weeks did not seem like such a great milestone.

As the weeks go by in this pregnancy I seem to get more anxious. I think that every week I go I realize that I have more and more to lose. We are starting to accumulate baby things and that freaks me out. I was in the store with my mom about a month ago and we had a full cart of lovely baby things and I totally melted down before we got the check out. How could I buy all of that stuff? What if the baby died…what would I do with it all? So we left the store only buying a few onesies and a package of blankets. I am not sure this is normal.

And I have been really anxious about clearing out the room that is slated to be the nursery, but I refuse to buy actual baby furniture to fill it. So now we have this empty room in the house. (And trust me when I say anxious about emptying it, I had more than one melt down AT Mr. M about getting off his ass and working on sorting years of accumulated stuff to get it empty…he is a world class pack rat.) Is any of this normal?

My cervix seems to be behaving. It is getting shorter it seems, but only really slowly. It is about 2.6 cm now, which I hear is fine, but it still really worries me. I am supposed to watch out for preterm labor, but I don’t really know what that means. EVERYONE tells me I will know it if it happens, but I worry that it will be too late at the point where I have PTL symptoms. And I worry about bed rest, but I am so GD tired right now that I would welcome the respite from work. So my cervix and state of my uterus make me anxious.

But here is the kicker, and one reason I have been reluctant to update in a while…..turns out I do not like being pregnant. I am sure some of it is this anxiety of which I speak, but some of it is actually not liking the physical state of pregnancy AT ALL. And how can I tell you wonderful ladies struggling to conceive and carry that oh guess what I hate being pregnant. (What an ungrateful whore!) I am having a hard time reconciling wanting this baby more than I have ever wanted anything and the reality that I simply do not enjoy being pregnant.

So read on at your own annoyance.

Let’s start with the hips, mine are killing me. It hurts to roll over in bed, but if I stay on one side too long I wake up in pain from being on one hip too long. And if I sit too long it hurts to get up and walk. Sleep is difficult at best. Last night I woke up at 2 AM with the worst heartburn I have ever had. Yes, heartburn is practically a constant no matter what I eat; even drinking water can give me heartburn. And speaking of eating, I am still feeling nauseated much of the time. I vomit rarely, but I never feel great. Instead of cravings, I have an ever growing list of foods that make me queasy. Oh and my hands stopped working. No, seriously, I drop everything! I thought that came later in pregnancy. And when you are having a hard time bending over to pick up something, the dropsies are really annoying! I don’t feel cute either, I feel fat. I always think the pregnancy belly is so cute on other women, but I don’t see that when I look in the mirror. And I have awful stretch marks. I have only gained 15 or so pounds at 26 weeks, but it feels more like 50.

But I can handle all of those things. The thing I cannot handle is that I have THREE MORE MONTHS. That thought alone reduces me to tears. I have no idea how I am going to do this for three more months and I hear the physical effects get worse! The anxiety alone is going to make me go (more) crazy.

I thought that when I finally got to the third trimester (5 days away) that I would feel confident that we would actually be having this baby. So why don’t I? And I am pretty sure that is not normal.

I have decided I feel this way for a few reasons:
1. I am off my SSRI, which also helps with anxiety, and have been since I found out I was pregnant. I already have a script ready to go the minute I pop out this kid (hopefully).
2. Since starting this journey in August 2004, I have been pregnant 4 times (this being the 4th) and I do not yet have a live baby. I know all of my losses were in the first trimester, but since it has never worked for me I have a hard time equating pregnancy with live baby…..even at 26 weeks.
3. When the first trimester is so filled anxiety I think it makes the whole pregnancy seem longer. Those blissfully unaware women (no IF, no RPL) I have spoken with mention that they did not start feeling pregnant until they started to show or feel the baby move. I have been so aware of this pregnancy from the moment I got the positive test….I think that makes it a longer 9 months.
4. Not all women like being pregnant, even if they tried for years and endured multiple miscarriages. Just because it is hard fought for does not mean you will love being pregnant.

I just cannot believe that I have made it to 26 weeks and I cannot believe that I have 14 more weeks to go. I am having a very difficult time reconciling those competing feelings. And I feel so very abnormal.

Other posts percolating:
1. My annoyance with my OBs office.
2. Feeling scooter move.

Of Metros and Race

2006-08-24T11:25:00.000-04:00

I was surprised how many of you were interested in my morning commute story. I am afraid it will not live up to the hype at all…

Mr. M and I live in Washington, DC a little under a half a mile to the nearest metro, a nice walk when it is not 100°F and insanely humid outside. Sometimes I walk to the metro; sometimes Mr. M gives me a ride to the metro. In the summer, he most often drives me to the metro and that is where the fun really begins.

I usually get on the metro around 8:30 am. It is pretty packed still at that time and there are no available seats left. When I was in my first trimester (and not visibly pregnant) the ride was terrible. I had to stand and I was nauseated and well, it was not fun. I assumed that as I became visibly pregnant I would no longer have to stand. I assumed that folks would generously offer a seat to me. And yes, I am visibly pregnant now, but seats have not materialized for me. Some people look right at me, RIGHT at my belly and look back down. Some people are clearly too busy being important and reading the Post to even look up, or so it seems.

No, I am not disabled and pregnancy is not a disability. I do have mixed feelings about being outraged by this situation. Part of me feels that I am only pregnant and who am I to command a seat? But there is another part of me that is so disappointed with our society that NO ONE offers a visibly pregnant woman a seat. There have been times when I have seen an older person or a person with crutches not offered a seat either. It is so sad really. How has it come to this?

I have started taking notes when someone does offer me their seat. I have a little notebook and I note their gender, age and ethnicity. So far the only people who have offered me a seat are white men around 40-50ish. This I find interesting.

[First a disclaimer, it is hard to write about this without offending anyone. I can tell you that I am not racist, but inevitably I might write something in a way that would make you believe otherwise. We all hold some prejudices and stereotypes, but I truly believe myself to be open and accepting and not a racist.]

Washington, DC is 60% black, 30% white and 10% Hispanic. Racial tensions run high in DC between blacks and whites. It can’t help that Mr. M and I are among the groups of young, middle class whites that have moved into neighborhoods that only 10 years ago were predominantly black. This phenomenon called “gentrification” (isn’t that an awful term?) has resulted in a huge increase in property values and property taxes. The results have been that families which have lived in these neighborhoods for over 50 years have had to move out, or want to move out. It is a very sticky situation.

Most of the racial tensions I experience on a daily basis are between black and white women. I have always thought that women are less tolerant of other women in general, and in my experiences this is exacerbated when there are racial tensions. Black and white women in DC are totally dismissive of each other. I think that many black women think white women to be entitled and self-important. I think many white women think black women to be rude and lazy. I cannot tell you how many times I have been cut in line at CVS (convenience store) by a black woman. I have no idea why this happens, but trust me when I say that it does. (Another aside, all the kids on our block are black. They are great kids and we enjoy hanging out with them. One of the families however, forbade their kids from talking or hanging out with us. We found out later it is because we are white and Jewish and therefore not a good influence on their kids.)

The metro stop I get on in the morning comes from a predominately black area of the city. No black woman has ever offered me a seat. I am not saying that it will never happen. Maybe I am over analyzing the situation, but like I said, I am running my own little sociology experiment and noting who offers me a seat in the morning. I am eager to see my results in 4 months.

In the meantime I stand on the metro for about 20 minutes in the morning. It is not awful, but as I get larger my balance is not the best and my hips hurt. I do worry about falling, so I hold onto two poles. Once I did ask to sit down and I got the dirtiest look from the woman and all of those around her. It is just not worth it yet. As I get larger and larger, we’ll see what happens, and what I do.

TISC, part deux

2006-08-15T09:50:00.000-04:00

Well the peri appointment was very, um, anti-climatic. She was very matter-of-fact, and not at all impressed with my cervical measurements.

She did a scan of scooter first, s/he still looks great. Then she did a transvag scan of my cervix. (I wish I had stated a count of how many folks have seen under the hood and or performed a transvag scan on me since this journey began….I think it is an impressive number.)

Anyway the short of it is (get it, short, cervix? I kill me.) Is that my cervix, while shorter than average is stable and not in the “danger zone.” The measurement varies, depending on the angle, between 2.7 and 3.1 cm. They like to see it over 3.5 cm at this stage, but don’t take action until it is under 2.5 cm. So there seems to be this large grey area where they keep an eye on it, but don’t do anything. It is not dynamic and again there is no funneling or opening at all. So not “normal” but not so “abnormal.”

Really, I am relieved. I did not want a cerclage, which carries a whole set of risks. I do feel like I overreacted a bit. But I am super glad I went with the second opinion and hopefully the cervix will stay the way it is.

Thank you for all of your support with this fun diversion in my pregnancy. We will go back to the regularly scheduled program. Next time I will tell you all about my morning commutes….so fun!

TISC

2006-08-12T11:11:00.000-04:00

My cervix is shortening. I have named it The Incredibly Shrinking Cervix, or TISC for short. Last Friday it was 3.2 cm and yesterday it was only 2.7 cm. How fun. OK, not really fun, mostly there were tears.

My OB and I went through a long list of options:
1. Wait it out the weekend, get measured again on Monday and get a cerclage on Tuesday when she is in the hospital.
2. Wait it out a week and then re-evaluate
3. Go on bed rest for the next 20 weeks. (She mentioned to me several times that in Europe cerclages are not done; it is bed rest for the cervically incompetent. But why should this matter to me, and my treatment?)
4. Get a second opinion from a peri at Georgetown right away.
5. OK there were more, but I can’t remember them now.

The great thing is that my cervix is still closed and hard and there appears to be no funneling. This makes my OB wonder if it is even cervical insufficiency or just a randomly short cervix. She said that maybe it is just settling at a good length for me. I don’t understand this…..2.7 cm is abnormally short for 19 weeks. And every time I go in for a measurement it is shorter than it was before. At what point do we say, OK this thing is definitely TISC, not just randomly short???? I was pretty frustrated that my OB could not (would not?) tell me what to do!!! I do like my OB and I think she was just trying to keep me from totally freaking out, but at one point she said that maybe they are just over treating me and this is not even a problem. BUT YOU ARE THE ONE WHO TOLD ME I NEEDED BI-WEEKLY MONITORING SO THAT WE WOULD KNOW IF MY CERVIX STARTED TO MISBEHAVE.

From my menu of options I opted for #4. My OB called the peri who said there was no need to spend the next several hours in L&D and that she could see me in her office on Monday. I am happy with that. I figure by Monday it might have shrunk some more and we can work out a plan.

I am only half way through this pregnancy. It is going to be one loooooong pregnancy.

Two Years

2006-08-08T10:49:00.000-04:00

Today is my 2 year wedding anniversary to Mr. M. It sounds like a total cliché, but I really don’t know where the past two years have gone…..

We met a wedding of a mutual friend July 4th weekend in 2001. I was in St. Louis working on my Ph.D. and he was working on a political campaign in New Jersey. We hit it off immediately. We danced, talked, and generally stuck by each other all night. The next day I drove back to STL with my friends. I told them it was crazy how much I liked this guy, but that a relationship would never work given the distance. Some of my friends encouraged me to pursue it and some encouraged me to move on.

We had exchanged phone numbers and emails at the wedding and within a week we were talking on the phone almost every night. After about a month I invited him to come visit me in STL. I figured it would either work or not, but we had to figure it out. He came! The weekend was great. It had stressful moments to be sure, but we realized that first weekend how much we liked each other and wanted to pursue a relationship.

Next it was my turn to visit him. A month after his visit I flew to DC where he maintained an apartment and we had another great weekend. He dropped me off at the airport on Monday September 11, 2001 to fly back to STL. My flight was diverted to Cincinnati, Ohio. Everyone on the plane was totally freaked out. We were hearing reports of hijackings, bombings, all out war practically. It was really hard to get through to loved ones because everyone and their mother were on their cell phones. After getting through to my parents, I finally reached Mr. M. He was on his way back to New Jersey and was caught in a huge traffic nightmare due to the attacks. He was stopped on the side of the highway. When I finally got through to him he told me how worried he was about me and that he loved me. While September 11 was a terrible day, it was also the day that Mr. M and I realized how much we meant to each other already.

A year later I finished my degree and moved to DC. After finishing a political campaign in Las Vegas he moved in with me a few months later. A year after that we were engaged and then married the next year.

We started trying to build our family right after we got married; literally on the honeymoon we stopped using birth control. I thought it would be easy (HA!) I did not think we would be testing our new marriage with recurrent miscarriages. This is probably why many couples decide to wait a year or two to start trying to conceive. But I can say that the past two years have made me realize what an amazing husband I have. Maybe I would have come to this realization without the miscarriages, but I think that the adversity really has brought us together in a way that might have been different without it.

I cannot imagine going through life without Mr. M at my side, and thankfully I don’t have to.

Did it have to be this way?

2006-08-05T12:08:00.000-04:00

I am frustrated, and tired. All in all this pregnancy has been healthy. I have been a complete wreck the whole time, but my OB insists that it is a normal pregnancy. Until now….maybe.

I had a cervical monitoring ultrasound yesterday. First let me say that scooter is fine. He is measuring great, no abnormalities, moving all around. My quad screen came back great too. My first miscarriage was an anencephaly, so I have been worried about other neural tube defects with subsequent pregnancies. Well my risk of spina bifida came back at 1:10,000 and the brain looks good, so I am relieved on that score.

But (and you knew there was one) my cervix might be shortening. It is measuring 3 cm. 3 cm is the MINUMUM measurement for a cervix at this stage of pregnancy. Further, at 13 weeks it was measuring 3.8 cm, but that was not a transvaginal measurement and the one yesterday was transvag (not a great comparison). At 14 weeks it looked like it was measuring over 4 cm, but turns out my uterus was contracting a bit during that measurement, so it is a totally inaccurate measurement (why did the sonographer not wait until the contraction was over to do the measurement???) So my cervix could be shortening, or it could have been short the entire time. It is tough to compare the measurements from this week and the prior two. I go back in two weeks for another measurement.

Needless to say, I am totally freaked out. I finally seem to have a genetically normal fetus and now my uterus is not behaving. Even if my cervix is not shortening (please, please, please) it is short for the gestational age. My OB said that if I were a normal OB patient she would not give it another thought, but the point here is that after 3 D&Cs last year my cervix might not be up to the task of a full-term pregnancy.

Good news is that there is no funneling or opening, and by manual examination, my cervix is hard and closed.

My OB told me to call if I feel pressure. I don’t know what that means, but she told me I would know if there was pressure. But my google MD taught me that with cervical insufficiency the cervix changes without symptoms. So which is it?

I already had an OB appointment scheduled for next week, so I will get another manual examination at that point. I have another ultrasound in two weeks, but that is a long time to wait for another measurement.

I just wanted easy. I am frustrated, tired, and now really worried. I was already anxious enough. And I was just starting to feel OK about this pregnancy and let my mother start planning a baby shower. How silly of me.

For every action.....

2006-07-27T16:52:00.000-04:00

I did not always want to be a mother. Wow, that looks weird on a blog that is all about trying to get and stay pregnant…..

In college and even in graduate school I was just not sure about the family wanting. Looking back, I know it was partly naiveté, but at that time in my life my goals were to be a kick ass scientist and run my own research lab. In some respects these goals are incompatible with having children (as I saw it anyway.) Doing research in a lab for 60-80 hours a week it was difficult to see how I would ever fit in children. And there was the factor of not wanting to compromise my career success with such messy and time consuming things such as children.

About midway through my degree I had a spectacular breakdown. I realized that I was on this path and had these goals and oh shit, I was wrong and very unhappy. I started to hate being in the lab and doing the research. And then I realized that I did not actually want to run my own lab and what was I going to do with my life?!?!!?

I thought about dropping out of school. But that was not going to help me figure out what to do with my life. I was only 25 and I had time to finish my degree and find a new path. It was probably at this time that I began to realize that I did want a family. I had always wanted a husband, but now I wanted the children that would so easily come along with that (ha!) Then I met Mr. M the following year and I just _knew_ I wanted to make babies with him. (In that time I also found a career in science policy that I love and learned to accept my years spent tortured in grad school.) We waited until we got married and started for that family right away. We all know what happened over the next 2 years, which brings me to today (By the way I am 31.)

I am a few days shy of 17 weeks. YEAH!!! I am starting to believe that come January there will be a baby orange. (Not confident enough to shop yet, but I am taking small steps…) And I am now beginning to understand that there are always consequences to decisions we make in life.

I was scheduled to go to Egypt in 3 weeks to start-up a new project. When I asked my OB about this she gave me this look that said “are you stupid or crazy?” Mr. M practically laughed out loud at this interaction. The OB is concerned that after 3 D&Cs last year my cervix might be a problem. I think I have mentioned that women in this situation are monitored every 2 weeks for cervical integrity. So far my cervix is rock solid and really long….but I guess that can change quickly (although I don’t fully understand the conditions under which that could happen.) My OB's concern is that if my cervix does give out and I am in Egypt, I might be, well, screwed.

I have waited too long and worked too hard for this pregnancy, I would NEVER do anything to jeopardize it, so of course I cancelled my trip. But boy do I have some pangs. I worked hard to get where I am professionally and I want to succeed. I want to direct this project, not just coordinate aspects of it from my desk in DC. I know it is possible to work and be a mother and I do plan on coming back to my job after Scooter* is born. I just now know that my work will forever be different. I won’t be the globe-trotting, project manager that I envisioned myself to be. I will be the hard working, project manager based in DC. I know this is what I chose and that in years to come things will be different. But it doesn’t make it less hard to see some aspects of my career moving out of my reach.

Don’t misunderstand; I know that in the end I will rather have my child than a hundred work-trips to Egypt. I am just realizing that maybe at 25 I knew more than I thought I did. You really can’t do everything. You make choices and hope that you can deal with the consequences.

...equal and opposite reaction

*we are not finding out the gender, and so have named “it” scooter. I hated calling it "it."

No, I am Not Kidding

2006-07-10T18:00:00.000-04:00

Last week Julia at Here be Hippogriffs posted about her mother-in-law (it is deleted now). I read the comments with great delight. Who doesn’t compare their situation to others? But I did not have a great story to post in the comments....yet.

My in laws are not perfect certainly, but they are fine. They are caring, loving, generous, and concerned about Mr. M and me. They have called every week during this pregnancy to see how the weekly ultrasound went and how the pregnancy was going in general. They are a bit stifled emotionally, and usually prefer to show affection with money and goods, but they have been really cool during the miscarriages and pregnancies.

But they are also very judgmental. I am used to hearing my in laws disparage people for being fill-in-the-blank…..(fat/poor/ignorant/stupid). Mother-in-law has judged me in small ways, but on the big things, it appears she thinks I am “doing OK.” She loves that I have my PhD, that I have a successful career; I got bonus points for having normal parents, etc. Generally, since she approves of how I live my life—and taking care of Mr. M is a part of that—I have been spared more biting comments.

Until this weekend…..

Mr. M’s clan converged in Stroudsburg, PA for reasons that are not important, but know that I was STUCK far from my home with all of them. (They all know I am pregnant.) After dinner on Saturday night we were sitting back and chatting. MIL was asking how I was feeling, etc. Then she looked at my belly and said “you know, with all three of my boys my pregnancy weight never got above 125.” My jaw went slack. Mr. M reminded her that they were all one month premature, she did not come to the conclusion to which Mr. M was suggesting she come. She went on and told me that she NEVER showed until the 7^th month at the earliest. Um, thanks.

I mean, seriously. I have not seen 125 since high school. I am not fat, but neither am I skinny. I could lose some weight, but all my doctors are fine with my weight. My OB has said nary a word. And my mother assured me that by 12 weeks she was busting out and could not hide being pregnant any longer. So I don’t feel as if I am a freak here.

Later on that night I was trying on a sweater she is knitting me (planned pre-pregnancy.) It is now a bit tight across the boobs and the belly. I told her that I have really only gained about 3-4 pounds, which is perfectly acceptable for 14 weeks. I don’t know why I did it, I should have been stronger, but I thought if I could let her know that I am really doing OK. She just half grinned at me as if I was fibbing.

The more I think about these interactions, the more upset I get. I wish I had said something at the moment to let her know that what she said to me was not OK. Now it is too late. A part of me wishes that she says something similar to me again, so I can make sure she knows it is inappropriate and well, mean.

What do you think? Over-reacting?

Please pass the milk and honey

2006-07-07T11:41:00.000-04:00

I have arrived. I am 14 weeks pregnant. By most standards, I am in the second trimester…my first time. It is strange. Not sure what I expected, a parade perhaps?

I did have my own parade once. In grad school my friends and I threw elaborate parties for each other upon passage of our qualifying exams. After weeks and weeks of preparation and studying, we felt as if we deserved the best, and lots of alcohol. I took my quals a few weeks after the Pope visited St. Louis (where I was in grad school.) Anyway after watching the Pope mobile go by my apartment, I turned to my friends and causally said, “I want to have a Stephanie-mobile and parade in my honor….snort.” Well that is what I got, complete with a crown and flowers, a la the Queen, or Miss America. It was very funny to walk down the street and wave at folks. We got some honks. Yeah, big dork here…. But what would you expect from a bunch of future Ph.D.s in Cell Biology?

Anyway, there was no parade upon entering the promised-land-second-trimester. Frankly, I am still waiting for the nausea to go away. Who the heck said those pesky first trimester symptoms would be diminished by now?? Those damn pregnancy books lie I tell you, LIE!

The dopplar now works as well, so I rented one. But that brings its own set of issues. It is great that I can find the little heartbeat when I need it, but I worry about not finding it. I mean what the heck would I do if one day I could not find the heartbeat? So I use it pretty sparingly, only when the need to know out weighs my anxiety of using the damn thing.

I told my bosses as well this week. My stomach is, well, out there. Can’t hide it any longer. It is very strange to have people know and congratulate me. I still feel like a fraud in many ways.

The other night we were watching TV and Mr. M casually leaned over to me and said, “I am really excited.” About what darling…the Red Sox being 4 games over the Yankees? The new season of Entourage? “No,” he said, “I am excited about becoming a dad.” GULP. Did that ever make it real.

Is that is what going on here? What if I can’t deliver on this? So many things can still go wrong. There is my cervix to worry about, huge blood clots can choke off precious blood supply, cord accidents, and ahhhh. So I guess the promised-land-second-trimester has not really changed much. But I am glad to be here.

From the Ethers, an Update

2006-06-27T10:34:00.000-04:00

It has been brought to my attention that I have not updated in a bit. I have thought about it, composed a few posts in my head….but they never made it to the ol’ blog. I honestly don’t know what to write. No, no things are fine in my uterus (as far as I know.) That is the issue though; I feel that anything I write would border on gloating. I feel guilty for being lucky…..and I know that is all it is. I have been lucky with this pregnancy.

In fact, I have not even been prefect in this pregnancy. With my other ones I never drank, or colored my hair, or (gasp) ate deli meats, some of those taboo activities in pregnancy (according to the pregnancy Nazis anyway…”What to Expect when you are Expecting” that book is awful.) Indeed, I have had one wonderful glass of wine every Friday night for Shabbat this pregnancy, and 2 on my birthday. I had my hair high-lighted at 11 weeks. I even ate a deli sandwich the other day. (This last one was not really my choice though, I was trapped in a seminar, there was nothing else and I was starving…really, starving.) I just decided with this pregnancy that I was going to be less crazy. Seeing as how being uber-vigilant did not help in the past, I thought, what the hell. This, I think, proves my luck hypothesis.

Things are fine though. My NT scan was great. I am still waiting for the blood work, but based on the NT measurement, I am not worried. I did find out that I have an anterior placenta. It is not a problem, but the Doppler won’t work for a bit with me and I will feel kicks later than expected.

I also discovered that this is considered a high-risk pregnancy due to the 3 D&Cs last year. Essentially, it boils down to needing “cervical surveillance” every 2 weeks. So I will go for internal exams and ultrasounds on alternating 2 weeks intervals. This does worry me a bit, but I am pleased with the extra monitoring.

I am still feeling sick, and really I am tired of it. I do look forward to the morning when I can brush my teeth and not vomit. I no longer fit into my pants. I think this is early, but my mom said she and my sister both showed early. I think some of the women in my office are wondering, or people think I am getting fat. If I make it through the weekend I will start telling folks after the 4^th of July.

I almost cannot believe I am a few days from the second trimester. I still think every time I go in for an ultrasound we are going to see the worst. I wonder what the miscarriage rates for a second trimester loss are. These thoughts have been balanced with thoughts of actually having a baby in January. It is strange, but I can go from DBTs one minute, to thinking about names the next. I have already decided which stroller I want (Bugaboo Chameleon) but I am too afraid to think about fixing the back room into a nursery.

Overall I am well though. I am extremely grateful for this opportunity. I know it is luck. I want everyone to experience this luck.

Love for the Dixie Chicks

2006-06-14T11:45:00.000-04:00

I have never been a country music fan. Mr. M really enjoys it. I have learned to appreciate some of it though through Mr. M's prodding....I meant gentle tutelage.

Anyway I pre-ordered the new Dixie Chicks' album when I heard they were being blackballed essentially by country music stations for their political views about the war. What I did not expect was how much I would come to love the album. I listen to it almost everyday on my iPOD.

There is an especially poignant song on the album about the struggles that two of the chicks went through with infertility. You can read more about it here.

The song I am specifically talking about is "So Hard" it makes me cry every time I hear it. Here are the lyrics. Given all the bad news in bloglandia lately, I thought it was timely.

Artist/Band: Dixie Chicks
Lyrics for Song: So Hard
Lyrics for Album: Taking The Long Way

Back when we started
We didn't know how hard it was
Living on nothing
But what the wind would bring to us
Now we've got something
I can imagine fighting for
So why is fighting all that we're good at anymore

And sometimes I don't have the energy
To prove everybody wrong
And I try my best to be strong
But you know it's so hard
It's so hard

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard

It felt like a given
Something a woman's born to do
A natural ambition
To see a reflection of me and you

And I'd feel so guilty
If that was a gift I couldn't give
And could you be happy
If life wasn't how we pictured it

And sometimes I just want to wait it out
To prove everybody wrong
And I need your help to move on
Cause you know it's so hard
It's so hard

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
So hard

I can live for the moment
When all these clouds open up for me to see
And show me a vision
Of you and me swimming peacefully

Last night you told me
That you can't remember
How to feel free

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy, easy

It's so hard

So F-ing Unfair

2006-06-12T17:53:00.000-04:00

I can't believe it, Nikole has lost her baby at 10 weeks. Please give her your love and support. This is so unfair.

I've been tagged

2006-06-08T11:33:00.000-04:00

I been tagged by Square peg. To be honest, this is my first tag, and I am tickled pink! I have another scan this afternoon. Yes, I realize this is crazy. But my RE said that it is better to get another scan than to be overwhelmed with anxiety. Maybe I should look into that "faith" thing. I could use some faith in my body right now. I hope we see the little one moving around.

5 items in my fridge:
1. Plain white rice.
2. Plain white pasta.
3. Plain white bread (are we noticing a pattern of foods that I can stomach right now?)
4. Apple juice
5. Lemons
(and I love good food so much…..this list is just sad.)

5 items in my closet:
1. 5 pair of black pants, including a very sexy maternity pair with a partial elastic waist that are very comfortable to wear right now.
2. A big basket full of hand bags that I don’t use. I love purses/handbags and keep them for “just incase” times.
3. Many pairs of shoes including this very cute new blue pair I bought from Zappos recently!
4. My old softball mitt that I have not used in at least 5 years, but keep b/c I love it and it reminds me of my more, shall we say, athletic days.
5. A box full of old ceramic figurines that used to live in a shadow box when I was a kid. I no longer have the shadow box, but each figurine reminds me of an event or time in my life.

5 items in my car:
1. Many, many maps…Mr. M loves maps.
2. A key from our old Jetta that we forgot to give back when we picked up the Prius.
3. A disposable camera incase we get into an accident.
4. Mr. M’s crazy emergency kit, complete with flares.
5. 2 pair of sunglasses. I live in fear of being without sunglasses.

5 items in my purse/backpack:
1. Lots of gum that I am not supposed to chew b/c of jaw problems, but that I must have for when the nausea is too much and I am in public.
2. A little black book that I use to write things down when I am out and about and don’t want to forget.
3. 3 pair of sunglasses. See above.
4. My iPOD. I lurve my iPOD, especially on the metro.
5. The front section of the Washington Post that I try and read everyday (not the same one of course).

5 folks to tag:
1. Nikole at babylust
2. Kath at Inhospitable
3. Lola at When Eggs go bad
4. EJW at Wiscadoo
5. Watson at My Dear Watson

She is a lunatic, no?

2006-06-05T08:08:00.000-04:00

Well after spending ALL of yesterday thinking that Please was dead I am happy to report that Please is very much not dead. Please actually measured 3 days ahead and had a very strong heartbeat of 182 BPM. I even woke up feeling nauseated again, and was actually happy about that. So I am feeling like a lunatic today.

It was really bad yesterday though (not the nausea). I had so convinced myself and poor Mr. M that things had gone badly that I was trying to figure out the best day this week for a D&C. I think I am going to put a call into my RE today to see what she recommends to do about the anxiety. It cannot be good for me or Please.

This is the longest we have ever made it. I have never been 9W1D pregnant (with a live fetus) before. I guess symptoms really can come and go and things still be OK.

Finally, I am extremely grateful for the kind words yesterday. They helped me maintain what little is left of my sanity. Thank you.

Uncontrollable DBTs

2006-06-04T09:11:00.000-04:00

I know that pregnancy symptoms can vary and fluctuate, but after 2 missed miscarriages at 8-9 weeks I have a hard time not trying to read the tea leaves.

I woke up this morning feeling, well, better. I am 9 weeks today. The nausea has subsided and my breasts feel less sore and a bit deflated. Overall I just don't feel pregnant anymore.

I know perfectly well this could be normal, but I also know that it could mean fetal demise. I am alternating between feeling panic and defeat. Part of me has just been waiting for this to happen. Part of me thought that I would be OK. Based on my past experiences I am leaning towards fetal demise. I cannot help it.

I have an ultrasound tomorrow at 7 AM......only 23 hours. Until then, we worry.

As A Dog

2006-05-26T10:37:00.000-04:00

First, I cannot thank all of you wonderful ladies enough for the amazing words of encouragement you have given me the past few weeks. It certainly has helped me when I am freaking out about being pregnant once again.

Second, I am sorry that I have not posted an update in a week. Things are still fine on the pregnancy front. At our weekly ultrasound on Monday (7W1D) the heartbeat was a respectable 148 BPM and everything measured on track. Other than that though I have been a health nightmare.

I started getting sick last Friday and I am STILL dealing with it. It is some sort of virus that won't leave me the hell alone. Now it has settled in my chest and all I am doing is coughing. Kept both me and Mr. M up all night. I finally could take the day off today. This week was our board of director's meeting at work, not a good time to take a day or two off.

Coughing and pregnancy nausea do not go well together. And I am so nervous about taking any medications. So it has not been a fun week.

Mr. M has been a doll though this week. Hand and foot I tell you. I am one lucky girl. Of course I have been in such a foul mood and Mr M is the unwitting recipient. Poor guy.

Finally, I had my first appointment at the OB's this week. I did not think how hard going back there was going to be. I started crying when the NP gave me the pregnancy folder. (The folder full of information about being pregnant and delivering and stuff....my 3rd one!) The NP was great though, she realized that I need to get through the next few weeks before I can even start thinking about things like normal weight gain and deliveries. At one point she said "Well let's not get ahead of ourselves." I really apprciated the understanding that I need to take this one week at a time. And she signed me up for an ultrasound every week until 12 weeks.

Overall it was a fine appointment. Of course I couldn't stop crying afterwards.

I have my last ultrasound at the RE's on tuesday. I will be 8W2D.

OK I need to go back to bed now. Or cough out a lung.

The Symptoms Paradox

2006-05-19T10:51:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I was feeling awful. I mean could not focus on my computer screen awful. I managed the 20 minute metro ride to work, barely, but lost my breakfast once I got to work. Is there anything worse than vomiting in a stall at work? (Of course there are worse things, but that felt pretty awful yesterday.) Thankfully I finished up before anyone else came into the bathroom. It was only later did I notice some dried vomit on my pants. EWWWWWW.

So I decided that I really needed to get the nausea under control. I have my trusty lemon flavored water and my cheerios (my sister told me about this one, so much better than saltines) at hand. Last night I had a high protein snack and a glass of milk before bed and I took my PNV before bed as well, instead of the morning. I made plain pasta for dinner and am eating more bland foods. Finally, Mr. M drove me to work, so no herky-jerky metro motions and smelly metro riders. And voila I am feeling much better today. So of course I am worried.

That is the symptoms paradox. Even Mr. M was disappointed I was feeling better today.

I am still nauseated, just not nearly as badly and I have every reason to believe it is because of the anti-nausea plan. I am still very dizzy and exhausted, and let’s not talk about how much my breasts are killing me. Still, there is this part of me that wishes I was worse. How dumb is that?

My first missed miscarried I lost all of my symptoms over 2 days. The last missed miscarriage I was sick up until the D&C. I begged the doctor for some anti-nausea meds. I know symptoms can’t guarantee that things are going well or going to pot but it is all I have between ultrasounds to reassure me that things are OK in my uterus of death.

_________________________________________________________________

Last night Mr. M and I named this new embryo. The first pregnancy we called it the parasite. Maybe it thought the name was indicative of our ability/desire to be parents and decided against sticking it out. Last time I don’t think we named it anything. This time we have settled on “Please.” Please stick around, we will be good parents, I promise.

Are we there yet?

2006-05-15T10:26:00.000-04:00

I should be happy. I am, really, but I am not ecstatic. I feel like the folks at the RE’s office wanted me to be happier. Yes, there is embryonic cardiac activity (118 BPM). Yes, I am measuring right on (6W1D). These things are good, but they do not equal success, for me anyway. I have been here before but I still have not achieved success in the form of a live baby to take home.

When I got into the ultrasound ready position the technician asked me how I was feeling. I told her that the nausea had started up. She said how that was good. Really? Because last time I was sick the whole way through until after the D&C. I even vomited the morning of the fateful ultrasound. (Who came up with that statistic that equates pregnancy nausea with a successful outcome? Is that even for real?)

Then we saw the cardiac activity. She said how this was a great sign. Um, sure. I apparently have an 82% chance of success now. This is great, except I keep falling on the 18% side of that statistic.

What frustrates me about the RE’s office is that they treat me like a patient who they helped get pregnant. I am guessing that there is much more relief when a patient who has been through umpteen fertility treatments gets to the stage I am at. (Am I right?)

So I am happy, yes. Relieved, no.

Recurrent pregnancy loss is so awful. It takes away all the joy of being pregnant. I feel like I am not waiting to have a baby, but that I am waiting to miscarry. I hate that. And I hate seeing Mr. M go through this again. Poor guy gets more anxious than me for these ultrasounds.

Why am I doing this again? I feel like the stubborn child who no matter how many times they are told “no” will still ask for what it is they want.

How exactly am I going to get through the next few weeks?

Brown Eggs are Local Eggs and Local Eggs are Fresh

2006-05-09T12:13:00.000-04:00

Here is a snippet of the conversation between Mr. M and me yesterday after leaving the RE’s office:

Me: That's great; we have a good yolk sac.
Mr. M: I had no idea you could grow a yolk. I am not sure I can eat eggs anymore. Why do we eat eggs anyway?

FYI: If you spent your formative years in New England about 15-20 years ago, you should recognize the title of this post from a very hard-to-forget TV commercial jingle.

Wax on, Wax Off

2006-05-08T12:53:00.000-04:00

I survived the weekend without any more spotting. That was nice. It was a beautiful spring weekend here in DC. I rested a whole bunch.

This morning we went for the first ultrasound and another beta. How I missed the dildo cam. It has been over six months since my last date with it. *Sigh*

As an aside, I realized how much of a newbie I am at the RE’s office. I have only really been there for testing, so I was pretty unfamiliar with the inner workings. I was amazed this morning by the assembly-line quality to the mornings there. Sign in, get your bloods when you are called, go to the “ready room” for the ultrasound, smile uncomfortably at the other women waiting, remove your pants and under garments in one of the changing rooms, wrap yourself poorly in paper sheets, sit and wait for your turn, feet in stirrups and away we go. Seriously, everyone there knew the dance, I only hope I followed the rules enough that I was not spotted for the ingénue I am.

When it was my turn, I called for Mr. M. (He comes to ALL ultrasound appointments; never know when you are going to get bad news.) Poor guy though, he was the only male there.

The short and long of it is that everything looks OK. We are on target for a 5W2D gestation. Saw the gestational sac and the yolk sac. Technician and doctor said everything looks normal. I also got my beta done and that is ~10,200. I was expecting around 5,000 so it is still more than doubling. Right now I am on a 41 hour doubling time. A bit high, but Dr. Big Shot said it was normal/OK.

When my nurse called she said to come in next week and then I was released to my OB. That really caught me off guard. I thought I had been told that I would be followed until 8-10 weeks (my miscarriage window.) The nurse spoke with Dr. Big Shot and he agreed to follow me until I could see my OB. I am most worried about there being a gap between RE and OB, there is no way I can go a week without an ultrasound. (I am going to need to know ASAP if there is a DB on board.)

Mr. M said he did not remember a conversation with any doctor who said I would be followed until 10 weeks, so it is possible that I imagined it. Wishful thinking?

My OB is booked until the 3^rd week of June. So I will see a nurse practitioner and schedule weekly ultrasounds until then. And once I got my mind wrapped around going back to the OB’s, I realized the advantages:

Ultrasounds NOT at 7 AM.
I like my OB
I prefer the hospital my OB uses if I need another D&C.
My OB has performed 2 D&Cs on me, so she is familiar with my uterus.

OK two positive reasons, 2 negative…not bad.

One week at a time.

My Body, the Crappy Clock

2006-05-05T16:13:00.000-04:00

This has to be the WORST timing ever. It is 4:10 PM EST on a Friday afternoon. My RE's office is closed. And I just started spotting. It is bright red. I am hoping my cervix is just aggrevated or something. (And now I am going to tell you much too much private information about me, but I am curious if any of you have had this experience.) I have had an upset stomach all day and finally went to the bathroom and forced it out. That is when I noticed the spotting. I wonder if there is a connection?

But there is nothing to be done about it. I have a scheduled ultrasound on Monday morning anyway.

At first I was freaked out when I saw the red. I am oddly calm about it now. There is nothing I can do that I am not already doing. And frankly, if I am going to miscarry again, I would rather do it at 5 weeks than at 10 weeks.

Probably the Hormones

2006-05-04T15:52:00.000-04:00

My sister-in-law (Mr. M’s brother’s wife) is trying to get pregnant. For a THIRD child. She experienced 2 years of infertility before having her daughter. After she had a LAP she got pregnant right away. Then she had her son 2 years later. They want a third.

That all sounds great. I should be so happy for them. I am happy for them. I just don’t want them to get pregnant right now. I know, I know, that does make me a bad person. I am OK with that. I am just so fearful that she will get pregnant and have a child and that I will miscarry again. And then there will be this child to remind me of my loss.

Here is the thing though, she has been telling me everything about their “trying.” I think she wants a closer relationship with me and we seem to have this wanting a child thing in common. (But not really, I mean she has two already.) Mr. M and I were pretty mum about our efforts. She asked a few times and I put her off. In part because I was not really sure if we were really trying or not.

Anyway, last cycle they tried a clomid monitored cycle for the first time. And she did not get pregnant, and she told me. In fact she started her period the same day I got +HPT. So now I feel weird. Do I tell her? Will she be annoyed with me that she was being all open with me about this stuff and I was sitting pretty with a +HPT? Because if you read the first three paragraphs then you know I would have been sad, annoyed, upset, etc., if the tables were turned.

The only people we have told are my mother, and my boss. I told my mother because I really need her support and my boss because of the weekly doctor’s appointments and the potential miscarriage. If I tell SIL then I would want to tell my sisters. Mr. M is all about the not telling. My theory on telling has always been to tell the people from whom we would need support if the awful happens. Maybe this will become clearer after the ultrasound on Monday.

But what would you do about SIL? Because I really think I need to be sensitive about this and I don’t know how to tell her without feeling like I am gloating.

Maybe Baby?

2006-05-01T15:26:00.000-04:00

Second beta is in….drum roll please…….today’s beta is…..595!!!

For those of you playing along at home, yes that is more than doubling every 48 hours. It is doubling more on the order of every 30 hours so far. That probably means nothing, but it took me about 30 minutes to do and then confirm the math, so I wanted to share.

I will go for another beta and ultrasound next Monday. That seems really soon (about 5W2D) but the nurse said “you are on the aggressive monitoring plan.” Is that like the 3 meal-a-day plan in college?

For those of you who have not read Coming to Term Jon Cohen wrote a whole bunch about the so-called TLC study in Norway. This clinic randomly divided recurrent miscarriers into 2 groups: those who were monitored closely and got lots of extra care and those that were treated like “normal” pregnant women. The women in the TLC group were statistically less likely to miscarry. Interesting if nothing else.

Finally a friend pointed out a 2004 study to me (you can find it on PubMed by searching for the authors: Hyer JS, Fong S, Kutteh WH). The punch line: recurrent miscarries will miscarry 18% of the time after seeing a fetal heartbeat. Women with one miscarriage or less will only miscarry 2% of the time after hearing the fetal heartbeat. This somehow makes me feel better, well less of a freak anyway for miscarrying twice after hearing the fetal heartbeat.

Hope peeks around the corner UPDATED

2006-04-27T08:43:00.000-04:00

Well lovely ladies of bloglandia, I have been holding out on you. It has taken me all of the past 24 hours to get my mind around this one…..and I am still working on figuring out what this means.

You see I took a HPT yesterday and yes, there were 2 lines. The second one was quite faint. If I posted a picture of it, I think many of you may not believe me. But I swear it is there. And it is there again this morning, this time darker. But I am too lazy to take a picture and post it….so you are still just going to have to believe me. I went for a beta this morning, so there will be proof this afternoon!

I know this is going to sound ungrateful, really I am not. It is just that I was all set to grieve the loss of pregnancy #3 this week. I wanted to be morose and wallow. I wanted to rail against the unfairness of the universe. But how can I do that now that I have this news? It would seem rather greedy of me to rail against the universe when I have been given another opportunity to hope.

I got my very own prescription of pussy pops (thank you Ornery and Fisher Queen) and I can say that after only 2 applications, I am not a fan. This morning there was some blood too, which lead me to freak out. The nurse told me that was normal with prometrium. (Thoughts? Experiences?)

So we wait. Some moments I am ready to believe this might actually work. And other times I am calculating when the D&C will be (if I MC around 8-10 weeks per usual, then we are looking at a D&C around my birthday!) And it has only been 24 hours…..this is going to be a long few months.

By the way, if third time is the “charm” what is the fourth time?

**UPDATE** My beta is 67. Not too bad for 12 DPO. I will get another on Monday. I have never had a problem with betas not doubling....but I guess there is a first for everything.

In the meantime your outpouring of good wishes is really heatwarming. They will keep me going for quite a while!

You're Missing updated

2006-04-25T10:41:00.000-04:00

I freaked out this morning because I could not find the ultrasound picture from pregnancy #3. I have these envelopes labeled Baby #1 and Baby #3 that have my +HPTs (I know, old pee….ewwww), any congratulations cards, all the sympathy cards, and most importantly any ultrasound photos. I keep them hidden away. I don’t look at them, but I need to know they are there. They are all I have to prove that those pregnancies existed.

I needed to look at the picture from pregnancy #3 today because it was to be the estimated week of birth. I just NEEDED to see the ultrasound picture. I needed to prove to myself that the pregnancy existed. Sometimes I think that I imagined it. Imagined being pregnant. Imagined the hope of a future child.

Yesterday I heard this great song (You’re Missing) by The Boss that made me cry. Here are the lyrics that really struck me:

Pictures on the nightstand, TV's on in the den
Your house is waiting, your house is waiting
For you to walk in, for you to walk in
But you're missing, you're missing
You're missing when I shut out the lights
You're missing when I close my eyes
You're missing when I see the sun rise
You're missing

Children are asking if it's alright
Will you be in our arms tonight?

That is how I feel, there is a presence missing in my life. One that was supposed to be here this week. I don’t actually remember the due date my OB gave me after the first ultrasound. I do remember that it was so close to my mother’s birthday that I decided that would be the due date…..April 30^th.

After my first miscarriage I was so upset I could not function some days. Now, I just feel empty. I think that is worse. I wish I could feel upset, but often I just don’t feel anything. You’re Missing. I am empty.

*Update*---You have all made me feel so much better. I would kiss my computer screen if I thought it would get to you. But then I would have a smudged screen and maybe you don't want a kiss from me....

I did find the picture. Mr. M and I had a good cry about it last night.

Word Cloud

2006-04-20T15:38:00.000-04:00

Someone posted this a while ago. I decided to wait to try it when I had more posts.

I am pretty pleased with what words are emphasized. There are several positive ones in there.....

I think it captures the essence of my blog. Baby. Hope. Pregnant. Miscarriage. Love.

Project Ovulation Complete

2006-04-17T14:53:00.000-04:00

You can all boycott my blog if all of my posts are about trying to get pregnant again from now on. I can get a bit obsessive. And it will get old after a few cycles.

Anyway, I have ovulated. I guess the one goodish aspect to my subfertility is that I always ovulate. I am pretty sure my progesterone is good too, seeing as I have a 15 day luteal phase. Oddly I ovulated on CD14 this cycle, I am text book! Usually I ovulate later. The last time I got pregnant I did not ovulate until CD21. I have heard that late ovulation can be non-ideal, but I don't think there are good studies on that. Dr. Clueless and Dr. Bigshot do not buy into the theory.

CD29 will be the day before my next non-due date for embryo #3. The last time I got pregnant it was 1 week before the non-due date for embryo #1. Hmmmm......maybe a pattern? I hate myself for obsessing.

Question time: What do you all call your miscarried embryos? I do not think of them as babies and I am not into the angel thing. But embryo and fetus sound so cold. And what is the plural of fetus? Feti?

I hate coming up with titles

2006-04-14T16:46:00.000-04:00

Some of you have asked what the plan is for when I am in the "family way" again. To get there it helps to know how I got here.

My first miscarriage was a missed one at 9 weeks the end of January 2005. You can read about it here. The ultrasound technician said that she saw something wrong with the head. It was not forming correctly. The doctor said for that reason we would do genetics (not usually offered after your first miscarriage.) Well we never got the genetic results because someone lost my fetus. Yeah, I know....LOST MY FETUS!??! I changed OBs after that.

My second miscarriage was a chemical pregnancy the middle of July 2005. I was 16 days into my luteal phase. My LP is NEVER longer than 15 days, I knew. I was spotting so I was not too hopeful, but I tested anyway. It was barely positive, and I got my period the next day. My RE said that the vast majority of chemical pregnancies are genetic problems.

My third miscarriage was another missed at 10.5 week on October 3, 2005. You can read about some of the aftermath of that nightmare here and here . We did get genetics back from that miscarriage and it was 69XXY.

I have had every test imaginable for recurrent pregnancy loss. There is nothing wrong genetically, hormonally or anatomically. Which has led 3 REs to think that I have a higher number of chromosomally sketchy eggs than a 30 year old should. Which is why 2 REs recommend PGD. But Mr. M and I are not ready to go there yet.

So what the REs are offering me is progesterone, baby aspirin and close monitoring after I get knocked up again. A lot underwhelming.

In other news. I am reluctantly taking my temperature and using those damn ovulation predictor sticks again. My acupuncturist has asked me to monitor. Well I used an OPK on CD12 and it was positive. Pretty early for me. I don't usually ovulate until CD17 or so. Maybe the herbs and acupuncture are working?

OK time to move on, I have to go sex with Mr. M again....

Orange Bits

2006-04-07T11:38:00.000-04:00

All of my posts have been about my inability to have a child. I thought I would tell you all some other stuff about me. My OB asked me on my first appointment “I know that you are pregnant, but that is not all of who you are. Tell me about yourself.” That was really cool of her. I forget sometimes that there are other facets to my life and personality. So in no particular order:

I am the oldest of 3 girls in my family.
My sisters and I were all born on the 15^th (different months and years.)
My birthday is in June.
My middle sister got married and had a baby before me. I got super drunk at her wedding. Probably due to jealousy.
I met Mr. M at a wedding of a mutual friend in 2001.
After the wedding we spoke on the phone every day for 3 weeks and then I invited him to see me in my city.
I was so nervous that I almost left the airport before picking him up.
We had a long distance relationship for a year and a half.
When we were finally in the same city we moved in together. It was rough going for a bit.
Mr. M first told me he loved me on September 11, 2001.
I was flying back to my city after visiting him in his city (DC) that morning. It was only our second trip to see each other. When I finally got in touch with him after an emergency landing he told he loved me and was glad my plane was not hijacked.
I have my Ph.D. in Molecular Cell Biology.
I thought I wanted to run an academic research lab and win a Nobel Prize.
Mid-way through grad school I had a major depressive episode when I realized that I did not want to do that anymore.
Somehow I finished my degree and changed careers. I love what I do now.
I did not change my name to Mr. M’s after we got married.
I did convert to Judaism before we got married. (I was raised Catholic.)
I have a VERY difficult time with organized religion.
I have a VERY difficult time believing in Gd.
Mr. M and I have decided that we will raise our children to be Jewish.
I deal with the above contradictions in my own way.
I have many jaw problems. I grind my teeth uncontrollably at night.
When in grad school my jaw froze closed for a month. The doctors could not get it open. I finally needed surgery to get it open. The surgery was on my right temporomandibular joint. It is only a matter of time until the left one has problems too.
I am not an outdoors girl.
Mr. M loves the outdoors.
We are crazy Red Sox fans. It consumes us in the summer and fall.
I am 5’2” tall and have short spiky hair. I tried to grow my hair out for our wedding, but both Mr. M and I hated it so I cut it super short again.
My feet constantly stink. (I feel really badly for my acupuncturist when he is close to my feet.)
I am very ticklish. Especially my feet.
I am a shoe whore. Zappos is my friend.
I am a rabid, liberal democrat.
I despise this administration, not because they are Republicans, but rather because they are not really Republicans. A real Republican administration would not run the country into so much debt.
I think that “W” and his crew are ruining our economy and the very fabric of American life.
I do not understand homophobia…..who cares what anyone does in the bedroom as long as it is with a consenting adult?
Despite having 3 miscarriages I am still pro-choice. No one has the right to tell me what to do with my uterus.
My father is a Republican. We do not discuss politics.
I love my parents very much.
My mother is a good friend of mine. It took us a VERY long time to get to that place.
Alcoholism runs in my family. I have to be very careful about how I drink. Sometimes I can get too close to the line and it scares me.
I will be 31 this year. I don’t mind getting older; I just mind the grey hairs.
I never thought I could love someone as much as I love Mr. M.
His nickname for me is “Pooh Bear.” He started calling me that after we watched Legally Blond.
My favorite books are Pride and Prejudice and One Hundred Years of Solitude.
I am extremely grateful to have found this wonderful, funny, supportive community of women much wittier and more interesting than I.

CD 2

2006-04-03T10:47:00.000-04:00

Going to try and write a positive post today!

My cycle rebooted on Sunday. Positive spin: I did not have my period while driving 480 miles round trip to Mr. M's uncle's memorial.

Went to the memorial on Saturday. Positive spin: We got to see all of Mr. M's family.

The memorial was OK. You know how some deaths are tragic and some are sad? This was a sad death. Mr. M's uncle had many physical and mental problems. No one was really sure what was going to happen to him as he got older. What is really sad about it though, is that his life was not all that great. He did not live a happy and fulfilling life. He lived a sad and lonely life and then he died alone.

Mr. M and I left our house at 7:30 AM, drove 3.5 hours, went to lunch with his family, and then to the service. The immediate family then went to visit his 96 year old grandmother, went to dinner and left. We got home around 1 AM...it was a long day.

I also developed a list of reasons that it is OK I did not get pregnant last cycle:
1. I am commited to losing 15-20 pounds before I get pregnant again, and by last week was only at -8.
2. My acupuncturist said that it would be best if I completed the 5 week course of treatments before getting pregnant again.
3. There is not really a #3, I just prefer lists of 3.

And spring has sprung! It was absolutely BEAUTIFUL in DC yesterday. I love DC in the spring.

Goddamn Bitch Set Me Up!

2006-03-30T09:16:00.000-05:00

Warning: This post is full of vile and foulness, read at your own peril.

Remember when in the early 90’s Marion Barry was the Mayor of Washington, DC and he got arrested in a sting operation for doing cocaine with a prostitute? Well that prostitute was actually undercover and was involved with the sting operation. When Barry found out he famously said “Goddamn bitch set me up.”

Ladies that is how I am feeling today, only my bitch is hope. Or more accurately I am hope’s bitch.

I had another dream about getting a positive HPT last night, so I decided to go ahead and test. I don’t know why I thought I was pregnant.

Stupid.
Stupid.
Stupid.

The thought of getting pregnant without all of the trying just seemed so wonderful. And I even calculated a due date, fuck, was I ever hope’s bitch yesterday.

Now I am pissed. I should have a six month old, or a newborn, or be 36 weeks pregnant. But no, I am staring at one fucking pink line. Why do they make the damn lines pink anyway???? What adult woman wants that? I think all negatives should be a black line.

I.
Am.
So.
Tired.

And please don’t tell me there is hope this cycle. By Saturday I will get the crimson bitch. And oh yeah, I will be a Mr. M’s uncle’s funeral on Saturday, fuck.

Fitting, I suppose.

Dreams

2006-03-29T09:38:00.000-05:00

Damn, I had the most vivid dream last night. I dreamt that I saw the double lines again!

It was weird, but I first tested with an OPK, then I had Mr. M go out and get me a real HPT. But for some reason we were at my parent’s house and we had to be careful that no one knew what we were doing. When I could finally take the test it was positive.

I would love to see this as an omen. I am about 12 DPO, I think. Usually I start spotting around 12 DPO. Unless I am pregnant, then I do not spot. But I really don’t know what cycle day I am…I think I ovulated around the 17^th…..but maybe it was later?

Here is the thing, I don’t really believe in dreams. I mean I believe they exist, but I don’t believe they mean anything. I understand dreams to be neurons randomly firing. And since I think about pregnancy a lot of course I would dream about it. Besides we watched Scrubs last night and one of the characters got pregnant.

(Rant here. OK the character that got pregnant, Carla, pees on a stick and then the whole world celebrates that she is pregnant…..give me a fucking break here. Ever heard about a miscarriage? Mr. M and I were rolling our eyes mightily at that plot line.)

OK, rant over. I have been squeezing the hell out of my boobs, so I think the right one is sore from all of the poking….right?!?!

Veggie Tales

2006-03-27T13:00:00.000-05:00

I think that I have mentioned before that I am currently overweight, by about 30 pounds. It is partly due to getting married and eating what he eats, but also has to do with all the miscarriages. After I miscarry, I tend to lose some weight from not eating. But in a few weeks I resume eating and then I gain all the weight I lost, plus more. I feel badly for myself so I splurge.

“I just had a miscarriage; I get to eat all the ice cream I want.”

I then go on a diet and try to lose weight before another pregnancy, but I never have enough time. The cycle repeats.

Well here I am again at the point where I try to lose some weight before getting pregnant again……only this time, it seems to be working.

My boss went on this diet in February. I thought it sounded crazy and drastic, but he has lost 40 pounds since February and says that he feels great. I am game.

Basically you have to become a vegan for 6 weeks. I know, it sounds crazy. But since starting last Monday I have lost 5 pounds and I feel great. The basics are that you can eat as many fruits and veggies as you want, and some whole grains, but no meat or dairy. I seriously don’t feel hungry and I have more energy than I have had in a while. The diet is outlined in this book called Eating to Live.

I have even cheated with Vietnamese noodles one night and pizza last Friday. And to be honest my stomach felt really badly afterwards. So I guess I took the evil lady’s advice after all.

Liver Qi Stagnation

2006-03-21T17:32:00.000-05:00

I am sorry that I have been MIA, here and posting on your blogs. Work has been kicking my ass and Mr. M and I are displaced while our bathroom is being remodeled. There was a huge bathtub in my kitchen yesterday and last night. My kitchen is only 7 feet* wide to begin with and that includes the space the counters take up. Making dinner was hard. It will all be worth it though when I can soak in my new huge tub.

Where to start?

Well I went to the center that offers “alternative” therapies. (Many of you commented last time that acupuncture and the like are not unscientific. I think I meant that they are not proven by the standards of Western medicine. That does not mean that these therapies do not have value, it just means I do not know how to evaluate how they work.)

I had an introductory appointment with the woman who runs the “preconception program.” First question: Conceiving is not my problem, why do I need the preconception program? But I am game, so I go to the appointment. Turns out it is a FOUR month program (during which I cannot try to conceive) and most of it is spent on “lifestyle” issues. Yeah, I get to see a dietician and told not to smoke all for the low cost of $1000.

I was sort of stunned at the appointment. First off she made me feel like the miscarriages were somehow my fault for having the wrong diet. Having the right (read: vegetarian, organic, no-fat diet) will stop the miscarriages?

Then she went through two of her success stories. Older women, stressful jobs, one over one under weight, both with four miscarriages, blah, blah blah. She showed me pictures of the women with their beautiful babies and then proceeded to tell me that both women QUIT their jobs/careers while trying.

So listen closely, all you habitual aborters, the way to fix the problem is to QUIT your jobs and go vegan. I like my career. I worked damn hard to get my PhD and to do what I do, and I make the salary that pays the mortgage. And besides all of that, give me a fucking break, if women needed to not work to get pregnant…..I cannot even finish that sentence.

All I wanted was some acupuncture and herbs.

And please be proud of me here, I did NOT give up and decide that “alternative” therapies were not for me. I found a clinic where I can actually get some acupuncture. And I loved it. The doctor said that I have liver qi stagnation. He said that this is common with recurrent miscarriers.

It was strange too. After he took my pulse he asked if I ever had heart palpitations. I do, all the time, but mostly at night when trying to relax. He said that he could “feel” that in my pulse, my pulse never really relaxes. He said that the acupuncture would help. I also got a jar of strange herbs that I am supposed to take 8 of, twice a day. He said that he can get my meridian flowing in 10 sessions over 2 weeks.

Overall it was pleasant and I enjoyed the time to relax and breathe….now was that so hard?

Oh and I did become a vegetarian, but I had already decided that after reading this very interesting book….more on that another time.

*We live in a house that is only 11 feet wide. You get used to it.

New Approach

2006-03-15T09:29:00.000-05:00

OK, Mr. M and I have non-decided to play Russian roulette with my eggs. Great. No worries here. Ok, not really. I am still scared. The thought of getting pregnant petrifies me. So I am going to be proactive about this.

First I have to tell you something that you don't know about me. I am a scientist. (What did you think I was going to say ax murderer???) This is not usually a problem except when I am dealt with something that I cannot explain or fix through science. I am not spiritual, have little faith, religion doesn't do much for me.....I explain the world through science.

Cue the sound of a car coming to a screeching stop.

Voice in my head: Explain everything through science you say?
Me: Yes.
Voice in my Head (VIMH): Well then doctor, can you explain why you keep miscarrying?
Me: Well, not really. You see the physicians have not found a reason yet, but that does not mean that there is NOT one. We just don't have the tools and technology to figure it out right now.
VIMH: Is that why you are talking to yourself? Crisis much?
Me:
VIMH: Can you not see that there are things in life that you can't explain through science?
Me: (Cue chirping crickets)

Just because we have decided not to pursue PGD does not mean that I feel at all comfortable with the Russian roulette option. And while I may have difficulty believing in other world views, it seems like mine is not so much working for me right now.

All this to say that this afternoon I have an appointment with a center that offers traditional Chinese medicine, acupuncture and the like.

I have no idea if this is right for me. I just know I need to try something different.

The one in which I make a decision (sort of)

2006-03-13T14:57:00.000-05:00

Since my life is endlessly fascinating and important, I know that you all have been on the edge of your seats wondering what Mr. M and I are going to do. I mean really, how can you not be dying to know if we are going to pursue IVF with PGD?!?!?!

I would love to say that we had some epiphany. I thought maybe the vacation or the spiritual nature of Machu Picchu would have made our path clear. I think that crap only happens in the movies.

To be honest we did not even have long drawn out conversations about the pros and cons. We did not think about the cost or the timing. No decision matrices were made. We just slowly came to the non-decision that we are not ready to pursue IVF with PGD.

So there you have it. It all seems so anti-climactic. We are going to try and get pregnant on our own and see what happens. Of course I fully expect to have another miscarriage...I mean really; my success rate with that is 100%. See, I do excel at something.

We did decide that if we do have another miscarriage, then we really are going to give IVF with PGD a try, we think.

Oh yeah, and today is cycle day 11.....otherwise known as time to make sex a chore.

Photo Friday: Pets (per order of Lorem)

2006-03-10T12:42:00.000-05:00

Lorem has declared today pet photo day, who am I to argue?

Here is our dog, Shell. She is pretty hard to take a picture of because her eyes always glow like demon-dog eyes in photos. My sister took these, and she does not look like a demon at all.

Shell is our 16 pound mutt. She is such a mutt that we cannot even identify potential components. The shelter thought that her ears indicated some chihuahua. When we first brought her home, she would not even come to us, or even eat some days. But 2 years later we are proud to say that she is almost normal. She will even follow us from room to room....sometimes, but she always has to be in one of her beds, or on our bed. Shell can't just sit by you in the open space, that would be too dangerous!

She was probably abused, and at the very least never had any positive human contact. She is strange and neurotic, but we love her. She is definitely Mr. M's dog. Shell tolerates me, and will come to me if asked, but she does not love me like she loves Mr. M. We think that Shell believes that Mr. M is "hers" and I am competition. It is fun.

Nothing is official, but it looks like we will be adding another dog to our household. Since I apparently need to nurture something, and my body is not cooperating, we are going to get another dog. In the application to adopt the dog we had to describe why we wanted to adopt. I resisted the temptation to write "Well after 3 miscarriages last year I am trying to fill the void in my heart by adopting unwanted dogs."

The chosen pooch is Skittles. She has been at the shelter for about a year. So sad. No one wants to adopt her because she is scared and shy. (Which is the reason why Shell was at the shelter for almost a year as well.) Mr. M and I went in with the intention of getting a "dogs dog", you know ready to play and be normal. But poor Skittles has been there for so long and just needs a chance at a home. I am such a sucker.

Oh and HBO made a documentary "Dealing Dogs" which exposes the Class-B dealer who inexcusably abused and neglected hundreds of animals, including Skittles, at his facility in Arkansas. Before being rescued, Skittles was forced to share an outside kennel with several other dogs, was never walked, let out to play, or given any positive human contact.

Shell and Skittles met last night, and they like eachother! So we will probably be taking Skittles home in two weeks, right after our bathroom is finished being remodeled.

So there you have it, no kids, and now we are becoming strange dog people.

Am I infertile?

2006-03-07T17:44:00.000-05:00

I am sure that I will offend so many with this post that you should all just avoid reading it. So I should probably avoid writing it, but I can’t.seem.to.stop.myself. You see, this has been weighing on my mind for quite a while now.

I always thought that one was diagnosed with infertility if after one year of well-timed, unprotected sex one did not achieve pregnancy. By that definition I am not infertile at all. In fact I have seen the double lines 3 times in 18 months. Dr. Big Stuff even said (and I quote) “you are superfertile” when I asked about clomid as a possible treatment. I really wanted a cape for myself at that point. Mucus eggier than a chicken egg, cervix more open than a donut, look in the stir-ups it is superfertile woman. (Listen hard for the superman theme….)

Not so much.

Moving on. Despite my superfertile woman status many people have told me that recurrent pregnancy loss also qualifies me to be an infertile. Even RESOLVE* agrees: Infertility is a disease or condition of the reproductive system often diagnosed after a couple has one year of unprotected, well-timed intercourse or if the woman suffers from multiple miscarriages.

Ay but there is the rub**…..I feel like an imposter. Many of you out there have never seen the double lines, and I cannot imagine how difficult that must be. I know that if Mr. M and I have lots of well-timed, unprotected sex then we will get pregnant. It might take 6 months or so, but it will happen.

To be clear I am NOT trying to “rate” our problems and pains on any type of scale. Not being able to achieve pregnancy hurts. Miscarriage hurts. It is all awful. I am simply wondering why there is one term to describe all of our problems. I feel like the medical establishment is doing us a disservice by putting us all in the same category. And I think this is why women who are experiencing recurrent pregnancy loss are offered treatments for not being able to get pregnant. Hey they are all infertile, let’s treat them all the same.

But we are NOT all the same. I ovulate, I get pregnant, I suffer from terrible pregnancy nausea; but every embryo Mr. M and I make dies. Does that mean I am infertile? I don’t think it does. I think it means I suffer from idiopathic recurrent pregnancy loss. So why can’t the medical world come to terms with the difference?

Or am I crazy. Well I know I am crazy generally, but am I being crazy about this?

*And well if RESOLVE agrees, then we can all go home.
**Pirate or Shakespeare, you decide.

Back, but not ready

2006-03-02T11:52:00.000-05:00

I am back in the States from our wonderful holiday to Peru. (And, no, I am not British, I just love the way holiday sounds.) Peru was amazing, beautiful, poor, warm, sad, relaxing and invigorating. The Inca ruins, including, but not limited to Machu Picchu, are beyond words. Lima is blah. Cuzco is wonderful, and breathtaking (often due to the 11,000 feet altitude.) I can now say about 15 Spanish words!!!

What I am most struck by is how fucking lucky I am to have been born in the US to my family. By luck I was given so many advantages in life. Advantages that most of the residents of Peru cannot even fathom. And that bothers me, it is so unfair. Mr. M calls this my liberal guilt. Yes, I am a bleeding-heart. I could not pass by a person asking for money without giving them something. At almost every turn there was a child trying to sell us something. Just. To. Eat. It killed me.

In Cuzco we stayed at this amazing hotel that uses the profits to take care of poor children in the area. The Ninos hotel does good work and is a fabulous place to stay.

Machu Picchu is an awe-inspiring site. It is mystical, magical. If you have the chance, it is a site to be seen. I hope to post pictures soon!

Over all, Mr. M and I did lots of relaxing, and not a lot of thinking. We came to no decisions. Frankly, the only decision we seem to have made about our lives is that we want to adopt another dog from the rescue league. Big stuff.

Oh and our poor, anxious dog escaped from her boarding place last week and got into some sort of skirmish before she was found and picked up by the rescue league and sent to the animal hospital. She is fine, but has a big ol gash over her left eye. I have not written much about Shell, but she is all we have. She is also a "special needs" dog. She is so nervous that she will shake uncontrollably when she get scared, which is often. In the 2 years we have had her she has come so far and this little adventure has set her back a few months.

So we are back to our lives. I got a call from my RE while I was gone. Playing phone tag today to see what is up. We are going to the IVF class on the 14th to gather more information as we try to make a decision. And despite not trying to get pregnant, I seem to be on CD1. Alas "just relaxing" might not work after all.

Scared and more

2006-02-17T10:07:00.000-05:00

Back from Minnesota! A few thoughts:
~T he Mall of America is big, really big, and if you buy stuff there you have to stuff it in your luggage and schlep it back from where you came.
~Ted Koppel is not as tall as you might think, and his hair is real. He gave a great talk on the state of the media, Iraq and pandemic influenza.
~The meeting was about preparing for a pandemic. We are so not prepared. I will post soon about how you can all prepare yourselves and your families for a pandemic.

But I am not really afraid of a pandemic. Yes, if it happens it could be awful, but with preparation I believe that I can keep myself and my family healthy and safe. What scares the shit out of me is getting and being pregnant again.

I recently realized that I am delaying trying again, by whatever means we ultimately choose. Mr. M and I had already decided to wait until we get back from Peru in March. Now we are trying to decide about this IVF with PGD stuff. But recently, I am coming up with other reasons to delay. There are several business trip to very interesting locations coming up this spring and summer. The world would not end if I could not go due to pregnancy. (All my Drs have recommended that I do not travel abroad in the first trimester.) These trips are to Tokyo, India, Pakistan, maybe Egypt, and they all present some very interesting opportunities. Again though, my presence is needed, but if I can't go there are other solutions.

In the past I would have said that having a baby was more important at this stage in my life. Indeed, I missed an important meeting in Moscow last September because I was pregnant. I found out I was going to miscarry when I would have been there. Funny how things work out.

Now though, I am not so sure. Being pregnant for me is a stressful time and I imagine that will not change. And now I realize that I am coming up with all sorts of excuses for not getting pregnant again, (right now?) I am scared shitless of being pregnant again.

In Coming to Term, Jon Cohn suggests that even after multiple miscarriages a woman has a 70% chance of carrying to term. But the 3 REs I saw all thought that I had a 50% chance based on statistics. In my experience I have miscarried 100% of the time. I am not a fan of my odds right now based on personal experience.

I am hoping this is "just a phase" that with time I will not be so scared.

Mr. M is scared too, he is all for me going to these meetings and waiting until the summer or fall to start trying again. But we both want a baby so badly....waiting seems just as awful and scary. My first baby was due in 2005 and now we are looking at a 2007 baby. I know that the year of birth does not matter, but I see the passage of time in those numbers and it makes my heart ache for what I have lost.

On a related matter, we leave tomorrow for Peru!!!!! I plan on being technology-free, woohoo! So "see" you all in March!

Quick random thoughts

2006-02-14T18:55:00.000-05:00

I am on a business trip until tomorrow. Who the heck plans a meeting over Valentine's day? It is not all that important, but still I would not mind having dinner with Mr. M.....although he was relieved to be "off-the-hook" for this year! Oh yeah and the meeting in is Minneapolis, no offense to any who live this far north, but really-a meeting in Minnesota in February! Thank goodness for climate controlled walkways.

Due to said business trip, I have not had the time to read all your blogs and comment, please forgive.

Annoying comment of the day credited to my sister-in-law. We were talking and I mentioned that we are leaving on Saturday for our vacation to Peru. She knows that we planned this vacation as a consolation prize after the miscarriage in October. Also she has 2 beautiful children.

Anyway, she said in response to our plans "Lucky you, I wish I could go on a 10-day vacation." To which I responded "I wish I had 2 children." and then she said "I wish I could even go on a date with my husband." OK, why the competition??? And um, I win!

I know we all have our own problems....and I hope that someday I can complain about not being able to go out to dinner or on a vacation, but she is perfectly aware of all our problems and desires for a child and that we would rather be 30 weeks pregnant than going to Peru. And she had fertility issues, it took them 2 years to have our niece. So of all people I guess I expect her to"get it" the most.

OK, if I am being overly sensitive here, please do not hesitiate to let me know.

Gagh, off to the conference dinner now, at least I get to hear Ted Koppel give the keynote....

You can take mine for a while

2006-02-10T15:57:00.000-05:00

The absolute DUMBEST thing to say to someone after they just told you that they had 3 miscarriages last year. I mean REALLY!

I was talking to a co-worker, she is nice, and we are friendly. She told me that her sister is on her way back to the states from Guatemala with her new daughter. I said "that is so wonderful." I then made the mistake (yeah, you all know the mistake I am talking about) of opening up to her and telling her that Mr. M and I are thinking about the different options of starting our family after having had 3 miscarriages last year. Co-worker made some sort of effort to say how horrible that must have been and then said "you can take mine for a while, they are driving me crazy."

Why, yes, thank you. Renting your children will surely be the same as having my own. Or maybe will make me re-think even having children at all. ARGH!

What a fuckwit comment to make, and I can only imagine that she has said something similarly heart wrenching to her sister.

On another note I got a run down of the costs from my fertility clinic:
IVF=$6700
PGD=$3800
Freezer space=$1360
FET=$2750
Not sure how much the drugs are yet.

Having a child, apparently not priceless, you can put a price on it.......

Clean and clear

2006-02-08T18:36:00.000-05:00

Had the sonohystogram this afternoon.....definitely better than the endometrial biopsy, but don't really need to do that again. Anyway the ol' ute is clean and clear. (I bet it has never been so clean!) No scaring, no bumps, no docking stations of death. And now we know for sure, there are no reasons for my 3 miscarriages!!! Yeah there is nothing wrong with me!!! Crap, there is nothing to fix. Not like this is news, but still, no more "well maybe there is something wrong in my uterus..."

Dr. Big Stuff asked what we were going to do now. Well right now I am going home to rest, my ute hurts. He again said that he recommends our next step be PGD. Great here is $15,000...sign me up.

Or, we need more time to decide. That's more like it.

Our plan is for an epiphany at Machu Picchu when we are there in 2 weeks. Well either that or the magic 8 ball. No seriously, I thought of using that to help us make this mind warping decision. We have talked and talked (and talked) over the choices with no ideas what we should "do" next. Let me remind you:

1) Try on our own (which typically takes us 6 cycles) with a 50% chance of miscarriage.
-OR-
2) Do PGD with a 30% chance of working, but only 10% chance of miscarriage.

Don't you see how the magic 8 ball could help here???

You will have gold pieces by the bushel

2006-02-02T15:53:00.000-05:00

That was my fortune from my fortune cookie at lunch today. Does this mean I am going to be rich? And with gold, or my heart's desire....because I would prefer my heart's desire at this point to a basket full of gold pieces. Unless that means I will have the resources to try for a child without fear of running out of money....

Anywho. Today is CD1. Fine, I guess. Good to know my body is working. I did not monitor for ovulation this cycle, but I have never not ovulated in the 1.5 years I have been monitoring that stuff, so no reason to think I am not ovulating now. So a pretty normal 30 day cycle for me. Good to know. I guess.
__________________________________________________________________
I really hope I did not scare anyone who ever needs an endometrial biopsy with my short note of suckage in my last post. 'Tis true, I did not enjoy it. First off my general rule is to NEVER see male doctors. Not a fan. But Dr. Big Stuff is a male, and I am willing to try this seeing a male doctor thing a try. I now remember why I had that rule in the first place.

So I am sitting in this movable chair in an exam room. Dr. Big stuff comes in with a nurse and a medical student. This was not the nurse that I have been dealing with, and she did not look as nice. And the office I am currently going to is in a teaching hospital, fine I guess you have to learn somehow.

This is going to get a bit graphic, read on at your own peril.

Dr. Big Stuff says he is going to move the chair now and "it is going to feel like you are going to fall off, but don't worry, you won't." Whatever, I really thought I was going to slide off onto my head. Without a diagram I am not sure I can fully explain my circumstances, but basically my head is pointed down and my body is at a 45 degree angle to the floor, my vag*ina is at the level of Dr. Big Stuff's face just about, and I am feeling VERY exposed. Not to mention that I was wearing a suit that day, so I had on a jacket on top, but no pants, very strange look.

He then inserts the largest fucking spec*ulum and opens it to the widest setting ever, OUCH! Then he inserts a pipette into my cer*vix and not sure what happens next but he puts something in my uter*us through the pipette and it feels like he is swooshing it around this was the painful portion of the test. Sort of like when you get your throat swabbed, only more painful.

It was over in less than a minute, but not pleasant. My favorite part is when not-so-nice nurse told me to try and relax. Um hello, are you catching my situation here. The nurse I do like mentioned that she holds patients hands during the procedure, where was she??? I was so regretting not asking Mr. M to be there, not just for me, but also so he could see what I had to endure for this baby quest.

When everything was finished Dr. Big Stuff said "see that was not too bad!" Now, do you understand why I have a females-only doctor rule??? I sat there for a few minutes, put my pants back on and asked to see the nurse I like. She took one look at my ashen face and gave me a hug. awww.

All of this for a test that is basically due diligence. We know my third, and most likely my first miscarriages were due to chromosomal abnormalities, but we have to "rule out" infections.

Next Wednesday I have the sonohystogram, which I also think is due diligence, but after Kath's story, I guess I should get one. Any words of wisdom for that test????

Crazy Thoughts (now with an UPDATE)

2006-01-30T11:46:00.000-05:00

Please tell me I am being crazy. I know that I am being crazy, but I cannot get the thought out of my head, and I need to write it down before I really lose it.

I am having my endometrial biopsy tomorrow. So I had to go for a beta today. (I think I am about 11-12 DPO based on my obsession with cervical mucus.) I will get the results this afternoon.

And all I can think about today is: WHAT IF I AM PREGNANT???

Yeah, that is where the crazy comes in. I even checked a possible due date. Someone kill me now!!!

Mr. M and I were not careful, but we were certainly NOT trying. And I am no longer so naive to think that no goalie=pregnancy. I know it is POSSIBLE, but that is much different from PROBABLE.

So I hope I am just being crazy. Hey, it happens. More often than I like.

***UPDATE****
I was being crazy, I am so not pregnant. And the biopsy SUCKED. More later on that.

One Year

2006-01-28T16:22:00.000-05:00

One Year ago today I found out about my first missed miscarriage.

I got the double lines on December 21, things were going OK. I had some brown spotting at 7 weeks, so I begged my Doctor for an US. Everything looked good. Growth was on target, HB good. In the meantime some serious all-day-sickness kicked in. It was pretty bad. I had a hard time eating. I started drinking this ginger-peppermint tea. It helped a little. Then on January 27th, I was able to eat! I thought that consuming gallons of the tea had helped. That night I even cooked for the first time in weeks.

Then I woke up on the 28th and realized that maybe I felt too good for 9 weeks. I was feeling nothing in fact, perfectly normal, no need to vomit. And then I went to the bathroom and saw some red on the toilet paper. I put 2 and 2 together and realized that all was not well. The tea in fact was not magic.

I spent over 2 hours on the phone trying to get an US. I had crappy insurance at the time too, which did not help. And the stupid practice I was seeing insisted they could not squeeze me in. Finally there was a cancellation and I got in for an ultrasound at 11 AM. Mr. M met me there.

As soon as she started the US I knew there was something REALLY wrong. At my first US she found the HB right away. This time she poked and prodded and there was nothing. The baby had died, probably only a few days before. It even measured one day ahead. I will never forget the technician's words as she turned the screen to me so I could see our dead baby "I am sorry, but there is no heartbeat."

I was shocked. I had always feared having a miscarriage, but did not really think it would happen to me. The doctor there that morning was really nice, but it was all so overwhelming. Did I want to wait and pass it naturally? Did I want a D&C? Did I want to wait to even decide?

Then she told me that it looked like there was something wrong with the baby's head. It was not forming correctly, a probable neural tube defect a possible anencephaly. Not compatible with life. So she offered genetics, and suggested a D&C.

I called my mother from the office. Yeah, I know a 30 year old woman calling her mom-how absurd, but Mr. M and I were so confused. We opted for the D&C and the nice doctor said I could go that night. At this point I realized that I just wanted this over with.

Mr. M and I were in shock. We went home, took a nap and then went to the hospital. We were like zombies. Going through some strange motions.

We checked at 5 PM in and waited and waited. Finally I was brought back into pre-op and given an IV. I should mention that this was Friday night at a big DC city hospital. It was now going on 11 PM. I was starving (sent poor MR. M for food for him at least.) The doctor performing the procedure FINALLY came by at 11:30PM and told me there was a gun shot wound patient that need the OR and there was only one OR staff. So I was out. We could wait until that was done or come back in the morning. I just broke down. (And really why did doctor nice EVEN suggest I get the D&C on a Friday night, mistake I will never make again! I think I was so afraid that I would pass it that night and not get the genetics.)

So Mr. M and I got McDonald's and went to bed. Got up the next morning, went to the hospital, finally convinced the hospital staff that yes, I was having scheduled surgery on a Saturday morning. Got the D&C, went home empty.

Ah if that was the only time I had to have that experience.....

Dr. Big Stuff

2006-01-24T17:06:00.000-05:00

Who do you think you are?

Shit Fuck Shit Fuck (sorry)

AAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Better yet?
Not really.

Ok, so why the screaming, hissy fit???? Well, instead of feeling BETTER after opinion consult 2.5, I feel more confused. Or maybe resigned, I have not decided yet.

Dr. Big Stuff was interesting. I was actually impressed that the first things he asked me were 1) After 3 miscarriages how are you feeling emotionally and 2) are you seeing a councilor to talk about how difficult RPL is? He scored major points in my book for recognizing that this is not just a medical problem.

Dr. Big Stuff then jumped right in and told me that I needed IVF with PGD. My heart sank.

Then I quizzed him like no patient has done before.

Highlights of the quizzing:
~He thinks that I will continue to get pregnant and miscarry about 50% of the time.
~He thinks that Dr. Semiplan offering me clomid borders on irresponsible, and I quote, "clomid is a good drug if you are infertile, and you are not infertile. How the hell is clomid going to help you?" So he agrees with Jill's second appointment doctor on that.
~Dr. Big Stuff said that if I were not able to get pregnant then Dr. Semiplan would be a good option, but that Dr. Semiplan is not an RPL specialist.
~Dr. Big Stuff said that his success rates with PGD are 30% per cycle with a 10% miscarriage rate.
~Dr. Big Stuff recognized that IVF for someone who can get pregnant seems counterintuitive, but that it was my best option.
~Dr. Big Stuff also confirmed what I thought, that 69XXY (my last miscarriage) is an egg problem and NOT polyspermia IF a fetus develops with a heartbeat (which was my case).

Dr. Big Stuff also interestingly said that I have a disorder. That RPL was a disorder. That my eggs are cooked for some unknown reason and the only known fix is PGD. (Or is this a boys with toys scenario???)

So there you have the dilemma. Do I continue to get pregnant on my own and eventually have it work out with the possibility of a 50% miscarriage rate? Or do I try PGD with only a 30% success rate but a 10% miscarriage rate.

Mr. M and I spoke about this only briefly, but he said right off the bat he could not bear another miscarriage where we see a heartbeat one week and not the next. He said that he would rather spend tens of thousands of dollars to do IVF/PGD than ever have another miscarriage. I explained how difficult IVF was and that it might not be successful, he said that he did not care. Shit.

Dr. Big Stuff gets his name for a reason. Apparently he is not only one of the best REs in the DC area, but also got an award for being one of the best in the freaking country. Is this good?

He then said that I most definitely needed a sonohystogram before I think about getting pregnant again (which is one of the reasons I was not completely comfortable with Dr. Semiplan.) And he recommended an endometrial biopsy. Fun. So biopsy on the 31st, sono after I get my next period in early February.

I am crushed. I still don't understand how this is my life.

Opinion 2.5?

2006-01-23T12:01:00.000-05:00

I am one of those people who has a hard time saying "no." Most of the time it is harmless, and I can certainly say No to the big things. Like "do you want to buy this $2000 flat screen TV?" Yeah, I can say no to that. However, most of the time I feel badly for the person asking, so I say yes. This usually happens with pan handlers, and oddly enough the people in liquor stores doing wine tasting. I always buy the bottle of wine I tasted because it looks like such a shitty job to stand there and beg people to try and then buy your wine. (Mr. M CANNOT stand this.)

The other instance in which I have a hard time saying no is when I can't really think of a good reason to say no. Not that there is not a good reason, but I get paralyzed in the moment and sort of go-along with whatever is being asked of me. I have gotten better about this. In the past I was one of those people who signed up for stuff telemarketers were selling, like credit protection plans. Mr. M has broken me of that.

So this is all leading to a phone call I got last week from RE#1's office. I don't really like RE#1, she has never offered me a plan, and as discussed I like plans. So let's call her Dr. Planless. I thought that since she was going on maternity leave anyway until March, that if I did not make another appointment I would not need to worry about follow through.

But I got a call from Dr. Planless' office last week asking me to come in to see a different Doctor in the practice for follow-up. Now this is the head Doctor in the office and has been named one of DC's best REs in the Washingtonian magazine. I could have said "no thank you, I have found RE#2 with whom I am comfortable." But I just let them make an appointment for me....for tomorrow.

Mr. M thought I should cancel the appt, but then decided that if I want yet ANOTHER opinion, I should go to the appt. So does this make it opinion #3, or since it is the same office as Dr. Planless maybe it is more like opinion 2.5.....

So what about RE#2. I think Mr. M liked him more than I did. While he gave us a plan, I realized later that I had more questions. He initially agreed that I should get a sonohystogram for completeness, but then said that there was no need to schedule that until I decided I wanted to try a clomid, monitored cycle. But that makes no sense, what if I do get pregnant in the meantime; shouldn't I have the sonohystogram before that is a possibility???? I mean what if there is scaring from the 3 D&Cs or an undetected septum (although given the number of ultrasounds I have had that seems unlikely, but STILL!!!!) Therefore, RE#2 will now be known as Dr. Semiplan.

Am I being dumb for seeking yet another opinion? Both Dr. Planless and Dr. Semiplan agree that there seems to be no known cause(s) for my miscarriages. I think I might be deluding myself into thinking that one more Doctor will give me the answer that I crave. Which I guess is harmless....the only thing I really worry about is my insurance company cutting me off....I mean how many 2nd opinions is one allowed anyway???

Brady Bunch Redux

2006-01-20T16:00:00.000-05:00

Julie's post got me thinking about family and our past, present and future expectations of our family.

Mr. M and I decided on 2 children. We have a firm 1:1 ratio of parent:child policy. We both came from families of 3 and there is the inevitable 2 against 1 scenario, no way around it with 3. So 2 seemed like a good number. And we planned on a few years between them, so I would be 35 by the time I was done with the bearing of the children thing. Oh and I come from a family of 3 girls, so I only wanted girls. To be honest boys scare me; what the heck would I do with a miniature penis?!?! Mr. M comes from a family of 3 boys (hence the Brady Bunch ref) and he is petrified of having little girls.

So naive......

So how have my family plans changed these past 18 months and 3 miscarriages later? Well I guess we have learned that you just can't plan these things. We have learned that the gender is meaningless to us as long as it is alive. We learned that we have little control.

Most shockingly I am now revisiting the 2 child policy. I have every hope that no matter how long it takes, I will be able to carry to term. But I am not sure if I can put my body, my mind, my relationships with Mr. M and the world through any more miscarriages for another. I think that if and when I have one child I will be thankful and not want to temp the fates. Call it game, set match. One and out.

But here is the kicker; I still want a sibling for that future child. I loved having sisters and I want that for my child/ren. Will I forget the pain and torture of getting to #1 and temp the fates and go for #2? Will I adopt? Or will I give up on a sibling?

Like I said though, no matter how much we would like to, we cannot plan these things. All I know is that this experience with RPL has rocked my world and I have no idea what my family will look like.

Pulling the Goalie

2006-01-19T10:50:00.000-05:00

OK, we are not supposed to be trying this cycle. Mr. M and I decided that we would wait this one out and then start trying for real next cycle. This all has to do with our vacation plans. We are going to Peru from Feb 18-28 and I do NOT want to be pregnant on vacation, waaaaaayyyy too much stress and anxiety. I should get my period the beginning of February and then we will start. But we are not using the goalie AT ALL this cycle. And while I have no idea about my ovulation status since I am not doing any monitoring, I also know that unprotected sex can lead to a pregnancy. Then again, it does take me 5-6 cycles and PERFECT timing to even get pregnant, so I really should not worry. But I am, because I am a worrier.

I am in lurve with my new phrase for "trying" i.e. Pulling the Goalie. So for all you non-sports fans here is a definition:

Pulling the goalie. It’s a simple and very common strategy — the goaltender is pulled in favor of an extra offensive player — many hockey coaches use when trailing by a goal late in a game in hopes of tying the score.

The logic behind the move is, with an extra skater on the ice, the chances of scoring a game-tying goal are better.

So the "goalie" here is birth control. The advatages for scoring a goal are obvious.

OK, so then while googling I also found an alternate definition of "pulling the goalie"

pulling your goalie: Jocular metaphor for male masterbation

tee hee hee.

All of this is to say that I did notice some nice egg-while cervial mucus yesterday and we do not have a goalie in place. To be honest it just feels to wrong to use birth control when what I want is to be pregnant again. Mr. M asked be where I was in my cycle. While I am not monitoring, I do know my cycle day (CD16). I told him that it would be unlikely that we would get pregnant given our past tries. But I guess you never know.

In the News

2006-01-18T12:34:00.000-05:00

OK, with the debate about the RPL article in the Times of London, I thought I would introduce a new miscarriage article from the Seattle Times. It ends hopeful, but not fairytale.

I much prefer this article. It makes more real the trying and the grieving after every miscarriage.

I am going to send it to my mom. She means well, but she is one of those people who tells me that "It will happen for you, keep trying." Thanks mom and how many miscarriages do I need to have before I can have a baby? But she means so well, it hurts her to see me in so much pain.

On another note, I am one of those women talked about in the article that save "things" from every pregnancy. I have envelopes labeled Baby A, B and C that has the HPTs, any ultrasound photos, and any cards I recieved. Which by the way the number of cards is inversely proportional to the number of miscarriages. Yes, clearly my pain is less when I hit miscariage #3. Anyway has anyone else done this? and do you think it helped?

Complete disclosure?

2006-01-17T14:41:00.000-05:00

This has been weighing on my mind.....Mr. M does not know about this blog. I have done all my posting from work (yes, wasting precious company time, but in my defense I work at a not-for-profit.) And when I have checked the blog from home I cleverly shift the screen from his viewing advantage (easy with a laptop.) Sometimes Mr. M asks what I am doing/reading and I tell him that I am just tooling around on the internet, which is not really a lie, just not full disclosure.

He knows that post-miscarriages that I have spent some time on certain message boards. For a while he thought that I might be saying stuff there that I was not telling him. I told him that I simply needed another avenue to talk and vent about our reproductive misadventures, and that he knows everything. Which is pretty much accurate. Mr. M and I are really open with one another and there is not much I can think of that I would not tell him. But eventually there is only so much he wants to hear about cervical mucus* and potential pregnancy symptoms. And I know that he cannot be my only form of support, so I turned to the internet.

He asked me to go to a psychologist/psychiatrist. We got a recommendation from RE#1 to a psychiatrist. She gave me nice meds, but otherwise was unhelpful. One of her least helpful suggestions was to stop thinking about the miscarriages and then I would be less unhappy about them. Right.....how silly of me, how could I not thought of that before???? And this woman's specialty is supposedly infertility. I guess to her I am not infertile and need to focus on the fact that I can get pregnant. Anyway she was not the panacea that Mr. M was hoping for.

Then I found this bloggity community of women just like me. I told Mr. M that this land of IF/RPL blogs exists and he sort of brushed it off. And I just don't think he will be comfortable with me exposing all my thoughts and secrets for all the world to read, so I did not tell him about the blog. But now I feel guilty. So how many of you have told your husbands/significant others about your blogs?

*Which by the way I am obsessed with my cervical mucus, damn you Toni Weschler. I was going to write about that today. I should be ovulating soon (I am on CD15) but my mucus is not nice and egg white-y and there was some brown/red in it, and I am PMS-crampy, so I have no idea what is going on down there. But it does not matter because Mr. M does not want to "pull the goalie" until we are back from our Peruvian vacation. And he is right, I won't want to go on vacation if I am pregnant, but it is killing me to wait.

Plan?

2006-01-12T13:00:00.000-05:00

Went to the new RE this AM. I am still digesting, so this post will be a bit scrambled.

Basically:
Old RE's tests were good and revealed no problems (hormonal, clotting, chromosomal) OK, knew that.

Based on his professional experience he thinks I have a 60% chance of being just fine with the next pregnancy.

He will closely monitor next pregnancy with US at 5.5, 6.5, and 8 weeks and tell me the TRUTH about it going well or not. (Love being in the "you get early US” club.....!)

He does not recommend IVF with PGD at this point (and seeing as I have a Google-MD, I agree.)

He said that I can use fertility meds (clomid) to "increase my chances" whenever I want.

But he wants me to give it some thought.

Well I have given it much thought these past months and I don't want to be out there without some intervention. I want some help damn it.

So the plan is: if I am not pregnant by the time we get back from Peru then we will start Clomid with monitoring and an HCG shot so I can be sure of the timing.

That is 2 cycles from now.
It usually takes me 5-6 to get pregnant.
Clomid here I come.

Oddly, this is where I was with my last RE, except she pushed IVF-PGD and I pushed clomid.

I like this guy better. So does Mr. M (he was just so relieved that there were not any pregnant women in the waiting room!)

So we have a plan. I like plans, do well with them.

So why do I feel so confused? Not really confused but overwhelmed.

One way to start a diet

2006-01-10T14:33:00.000-05:00

First I need to say that this is not a new year's resolution.....

Going on a diet is something I do every time before Mr. M and I gear up to conceive. Only I gain about 10 pounds after each MC and never really lose much weight pre-conception, so I am at a net plus of about 30 pounds right now.

I know this, I am annoyed by this, I had to buy new clothes to compensate. But overall, I thought that it was not the worst thing in my life. Mr. M loves me and I am not obese, so I deal with being 30 lbs overweight.

But then I got a copy of my medical records from my last MC to bring to my new RE and in one line I was described as "an overweight female" wow did that sting! So I decided to get back on the horse and lose at least 10 lbs in the next few months before "pulling the goalie" (my new phrase for trying!!)

I started last week, and you know the first week is tough, so I was not so good. But then I got the best kick-in-the-pants ever.....food poisoning. Yes, I was felled with something fierce. I started feeling badly Sunday night and by 11 PM, I was in a horrible state. I was up all night, every hour, and it was so not pretty. Mr. M (my hero) cleaned up all the mess and helped me every time. I spent all of yesterday lying on my couch, maoning and drinking gatorade to hydrate.

Now on Tuesday, mostly re-hydrated, I have lost 3 lbs! And food is still not a pleasurable activity. It is always easier to start eating less food when you have not been able to eat for 36 hours!

___________________________________________________________________
And speaking of medical records I have NOT received the records from my old RE's office and I have been trying to get them for a fucking month! I signed the papers saying I would pay an absurd amount of money per sheet, but still nothing and I have called and bugged. WTF. I don't think I will have them for the new RE on Thursday. Another reason why I am switching REs.

CD1 BABY!

2006-01-03T16:15:00.000-05:00

Never in all my life have I been so happy to get my period....well there was that time in high school (blush)......

Anyway after one pregnancy, 2 doses of cytotec, and 2 D&Cs I got my first period since July this morning! And considering that July was the chemical pregnancy, we have to go back to June for a non-fertilization cycle.

The first period after a miscarriage is usually a cruel reminder of not being pregnant, but in this case I really just needed my body to be normal!

I have an RE appointment on the 12th (hopefully I like this one.) My current RE said that the 3 miscarriages were bad luck and the only treatment she could offer was IVF with PGD. That might be the ultimate answer, but I am not comfortable with her and I want another opinion. Anyway it will be good to see him after having had my period. Otherwise I bet he would have told me to come back after I finally got my period.

We are not going to "try" this cycle. I promised Mr. M we would wait until March after our vacation. [By the way I HATE using the words "try" or "TTC" to refer to getting pregnant. (Much like Lola's dislike for the acronyms.) Just not sure what else to use....any ideas???]

Hopefully this is a good sign for 2006....my body acting normal!

Good Riddance

2005-12-30T10:17:00.000-05:00

I hate it when people say “that was the worst experience of my life, or the best day of my life” I mean how do you REALLY know? Maybe something even better/worse is around the corner. Maybe the next day a bus will hit you? That would probably qualify as worse than say a 3-hour wait at the DMV for your license. (Which at the time admittedly was bad, but the worst?)

I bring this up because I am tempted to say that 2005 was the worst year of my life. In comparison to the 30 years that came before it for me, it was really, really bad. And I guess I can only hope it was the worst. Because I am not sure what I would do if I have another year like 2005.

In 1996 my dad had a heart attack and I was sick for like 6 months, which culminated in a tonsillectomy for me. My dad’s heat attack was on Thanksgiving and I had my tonsils out the week before Christmas—that qualified as a really bad year. But in retrospect it was not the worst. My dad is healthier than ever and I don’t miss my tonsils at all!

But 2005, whoa was this a suck ass year or what? A missed MC at 9 weeks followed by my first D&C the end of January. A chemical pregnancy in July. And then another missed MC discovered at 10.5 week on September 30 that needed 2 D&Cs to be resolved. I had to watch one due date of September 1, 2005 pass me by and I still am not pregnant again. But I guess it could have been worse.

On my walk from the metro to work everyday I see on average 5 homeless people. These people don’t even have enough to eat. That could be worse.

(Quick aside story. When I got pregnant again in august I made a deal with a Gd that I don’t even necessarily believe in, but I figured I needed all the help I could get. Sort of like Pascal reasoned, if there is a 50% chance that Gd exists then you are better off believing than not, pensee 42 (Thank you liberal arts education.) Anyway my deal was to give money or food to EVERY homeless person I saw in exchange for not miscarrying…..yeah you could call that desperation. Well it was after that failed experiment that Gd got demoted in my life. I know it does not work that way, but where is the karma!)

But there were good things in 2005. Mr. M and I successfully celebrated our first anniversary! And we had a lovely vacation to the French countryside (although that was a consolation prize for miscarriage #1.) And……well I can’t think of anything else. So on balance, 2005 sucked and I am soooo not sad to see it go.

Mr. M and I decided to spend a quiet New Year’s Eve with dinner at a nice restaurant in our neighborhood (for those in DC I cannot recommend Belga on 8^th street in Capitol Hill enough.) And toast to a better 2006.

So I wish you all a good riddance to 2005 and a happier 2006, hey it can’t get worse, right?

Time to Make the Donuts

2005-12-29T11:15:00.000-05:00

This may have escaped the notice of some, but the actor behind the "Time to Make the Donuts" guy passed away over the weekend. This was the ad campaign for Dunkin Donuts throughout the 80's, a very formative time in my life. (Dunkin Donuts is HUGE in the northeast area of the US. There is one on every corner just about, sort of like Starbucks in Seattle.)

Anyway we had Dunkin Donuts every saturday morning in my house (a clever strategy employed by my mother to keep us out of her hair for a few hours on saturday morning....donuts and cartoons.) And there was a DD on my college campus....DD coffee is responsible for me staying awake in college!
For those that don't know the ad campaign consisted of Fred getting up before the crack of dawn to make the donuts. He was always really sleepy and said "Time to make the donuts." It was silly, but a part of my childhood....and now he is dead.

Mr. M does not know why this upsets me so, and to be honest I am not sure I know why either. All I know is that I am getting older, time is passing by so quickly, and I feel like I am stuck in some sort of limbo.

I'll miss Fred. He was a symbol of my childhood.

thank you!

2005-12-23T09:39:00.000-05:00

I wanted to thank everyone who has come to my blog, read and commented. I am still really new to this, but I already feel the love! And I know that blogging has helped me already deal with many of my feelings dealing with RPL and such.

Mr. M and I are off today for my parent's home in Massachusetts, wish us luck on the dreaded I95.....

I just hope I don't turn into a screaming lunatic this year. My family is great, but they have no idea what Mr.M and I are going though, and I worry that if someone (i.e. younger sisiters) makes a stupid comment I am going to lose it. (Like right after my 3rd D&C my 25 year old sister said "why don't you just adopt" right like I had not thought of that. She is 25, in grad school, she has no idea how hurtful that is......but still!) I fear that if faced with similar helpful comments like that this weekend I am going to lose it.

So patience vibes as I deal with the families.....

My Pain is Worse than yours

2005-12-21T11:59:00.000-05:00

Have you ever had a conversation with someone who is lamenting something going wrong in their lives and all you can think to yourself is, "Yeah, well my pain is worse than yours"? As if there was some sort of scale on which to measure crap going on in ones life. Well I guess there is a scale, but it is your own, the scale is subjective.

I thought of this yesterday when a co-worker was telling me how her 4-year-old son was recently diagnosed with a speech disorder. He is cognitively fine, but he is about 1.5 years behind on speech development. There is no "cure" and he can never get over the problem, but with constant speech therapy he will be able to (her words) "work around the problem." Now, I am sure this is disturbing for a mother to hear. Not actually being a mother I cannot relate, but I am an empathetic person.

But in my head all I could think of was so freakin what.... I had 3 fucking miscarriages this year! At least you have a child about which you can worry. I absolutely know this is wrong. What she is going through has to be tough. It has got to kill her to have a 4 year old that talks at the level of a 2.5 year old. And I am 98% sure that she has no idea about my year. But it was all that was running through my head as she was telling me about her cute-as-a-button, living son.

Please tell me I am not the only one who has an imaginary "life sucks" scale?

do not look back!

2005-12-20T16:56:00.000-05:00

I know I should not, I know that I should not think about how far along I would be or how old my baby would be. I know that only makes me sad, but I don't know how to stop.

I realized this morning that one year ago today I got my very first positive home pregnancy test....I was so excited. Would have had a 4 month old now. Blargh. And yet I sit here waiting for my first period since my last MC in October, my last period having been in f-ing JULY! I can't even think about trying again until I know my body is back to normal....what ever that means for my fucked up, useless reproductive system. And what use will a visit to a new RE be if I have not even menstruated?!?!

In other news:
* I continue to dread Christmas
* Mr. M and I FINALLY agreed on Peru as our vacation site....YEAH!
* Turns out my bosses are not exactly thrilled with my performance, you think???

That last one requires some splaining. After my first MC in January I was crushed, but my work was great, so I could slide by for just about 2 months of uselessness. But then I was having a hard time getting pregnant again, and I was frustrated. This lead me to think that I needed a "change" in my life. I was pretty set with Mr. M and our house and the paint colors, so naturally I chose to change jobs.

I was not really looking when a new company approached ME and asked me to work for them. I thought it was timely, so I accepted; this was in June. I then had a chemical pregnancy in July, and got pregnant for the third time in August. I had terrible all day sickness all throughout September and then I MC'd again in October. So I pretty much was a zombie all of October and November. (2 D&Cs will do that to you.)

So let's count. June and August were OK months. I was sad, but not devastated in July, so let's count that as OK. Then September I was sick as a dog, and October and November I was a zombie. Three months of transition then 3 months of suck. Yeah, you could say that I have not performed well.

Not sure where this is leading except I am totally not sure that I can concentrate on doing my job well and getting (and more importantly staying) pregnant at the same time. And seeing as I make twice as much as Mr. M and I really like my career, I might have to focus on that for a bit. But I really want a child. I blame my uterus and my crap ass eggs. I would never have taken this new job if I was 6 months pregnant and then I would not be in this situation.

Mr. M update

2005-12-16T10:04:00.000-05:00

Mr. M finally understood how overwhelmed I was by this whole "need to take a fabulous vacation to make up for not having a baby thing" and wrote his friend in Brazil. Apparently, Mr. M has a fabulously wealthy friend who lives on the beach in San Paolo. (oh to dream that was my life!) Mr. M went to a tony east coast private school (although he was a day student) and he has a few very rich classmates. Including the fabuloulsy weathly Brazilian friend. Who has subsequently invited us to stay in a wing of his fabulous house for a few days. Why didn't Mr. M do this in the first place? No matter, it is a great turn of events. So I am going to try and book an Amazon cruise and then stay with the fabuloulsy wealthy friend in San Paolo for a few days. If not that, then I got Mr. M to agree to Peru.

In other news I nearly killed someone on the Washington Metro this morning.
When the train is PACKED sardine-like should you:
A) Stand a respectable distance from one of the poles so that many people can hold on to said pole for dear life as the train moves and then comes to such a sudden stop that it takes all your stomach muscles to keep you from falling over? or should you
B) Lean your entire body against said pole so that no one else can hold on without touching your stomach (or other unseamly parts*) and then give everyone who tries to hold on to said pole a dirty look?

OK here is another one. Does excuse me mean:
A) I need to get off at this stop, and I will wait for the second it takes you to move to to side so that I can get by? or does it mean
B) Move now bitch, and I am going to push you for emphasis?

I just love my morning commute.

*like another woman's breasts. I am from New England, and yes I am a prude and do NOT want to touch another woman's breasts on my morning commute.

GRRRR ARGH!

2005-12-15T14:31:00.000-05:00

I am so mad at Mr. M right now! He is the most wonderful man in the world and certainly a great husband, but that does not mean that he is immune from being a jerk sometimes.

When we MC'd in October we decided that we needed something GOOD to look forward to in the spring, since we would not be having a baby then :( so we decided to go on a fabulous vacation. Argentina sounded cool, so that was the decided destination.

Then about a month ago I realized that to take a vacation in February, we would need to start planning right away. Mr. M works with Congress, so we can only go on vacation during stupid congressional recesses, so it was going to have to be the week of February 20, great, fine, no problem.

Well then Mr. M thought that maybe Argentina was too far away, and let's pick something closer. So then we thought Costa Rica. I am sure Costa Rica is beautiful, but it has become so damn popular and I sorta want to go to someplace with fewer American's and less popular.

So why am I angry at Mr. M? Well he has done NOTHING in this whole "let's plan a vacation" thing. And I am seriously overwhelmed by where to go and how to plan something like this. So last night I finally decided that Costa Rica would be fine and I found a GREAT place only when I called they are all booked the ONLY week we can go. Now if Mr. M had gotten off his ass and helped me with this when I wanted to 3 weeks ago maybe it wouldn't be.

OK, now I know I sound completely whiny. I guess I just feel all this pressure to make this the best vacation ever. Every time we go on vacation, we hope it will be our last for a while since we will soon have a newborn. (Only it never seems to work out that way.) Regardless, I put all this pressure on me to make it a "great last fling" type of thing.

After the miscarriage in January we went to the French countryside and it was marvelous and I want to recreate that, but in South America. And damn Mr. M seems to not care a whit.

GRRRR ARGH!

Dreading Christmas

2005-12-13T17:51:00.000-05:00

For the first time in my life (well that I can remember) I am NOT looking forward to Christmas.

Now I have to say here that I love Christmas. I love the lights and the sounds and the joy. I don't even complain that much about the crush of people at the mall desperate to find the perfect (or just adequate) gift. I love the wrapping, and the giving, and all the trappings.

I especially love how much my mother loves Christmas, the joy that she gets by giving her 3 daughters this wonderful day. Even though we are now all mostly adults (with my youngest sister turning 25) she still loves Christmas like we were still kids. And now, for her it is the day that we are all home. Even my middle sister who lives 5 minutes from my parent's house drags her husband and daughter to sleep at my parents so we can all wake up together on Christmas morning. We just love Christmas in my family.

When I converted to Judaism before Mr. M and I got married I was very careful to work out a Christmas compromise. We will raise our children (whenever we can actually have some) to be perfect Jewish kids. They will go to Hebrew class, and be bar/bat Mitzvah, and all that jazz, but they will always go to my parent's for Christmas.

I know some will think this a lame compromise. But for me Christmas is not so much about religion, but about the spirit of the day. The love and the joy and my family. Yes, I know this is also potentially controversial (especially this year with the whole "war on Christmas" thing that scary O'Reilly has going on) but it is how I feel and this is my blog! So my children will know Christmas as my family's holiday and they will get all the love and joy that I had as a child. And my parents are thrilled with this.

So it is with a VERY heavy heart that I say I am dreading Christmas this year. And when I think about where I was a year ago, my heart breaks. Last year I found out I was pregnant for the first time on December 20th. I was beyond thrilled. Mr. M and I had been trying for a few months and I was beginning to get frustrated.

Ah when I think back on finding 5 months frustrating....how naive I was.

Anyway I told my parents right away. I mean pee-on-the-stick, see 2 lines, call mom! And I convinced Mr. M to tell the rest of our clans while at home for Christmas. He thought we should wait for 12 weeks, I told him nothing bad would happen. Again, naive....

I told my 2 sisters by making ornaments with pacifiers. I attached a note saying "Auntie so-and-so I can't wait to meet you in September 2005" and hung them on the tree. Everyone was so happy. And my mom got me our first baby gift.

Mr. M's family was similarly as happy when we told them the next day. (Since we were in Massachusetts already we have dinner with Mr. M's family around Christmas, just to be extra confusing about religion in our lives!)

I was so happy last Christmas, I was newly married, newly pregnant, would have my first baby at 30, life was good.

Life was not good for too much longer. I started spotting one morning and realized that my symptoms were gone, I was 9 weeks. I had an ultrasound on January 28th, no heartbeat. I had a D&C the next day. And now I have had a chemical pregnancy in July and another missed MC at 10.5 weeks in October.

I thought when I got pregnant again in August that I would at least be pregnant for Christmas, to take away some of the pain. Life is so damn cruel.

So I won't have a 4 month old this Christmas, I am not 22 weeks pregnant, and my uterus hates me.

And I can just picture Christmas, everything will be the same because it is EVERY year, it is part of the charm. But I am not the same. I am such a different person than I was before this horrid year. And I don't want to sit in my parent's living room doing the same thing I did last year, when I was happily pregnant. But I will, because it would break my mother's heart for me not to be there, and I cannot, will not, do that.

But how am I going to survive it? I think about Christmas and all that I have lost and I start to cry. I almost talked Mr. M into a Caribbean holiday. But he insisted that I would regret it. Maybe he was right, I don't know. All I know right now is that for the first time in my life, I am not looking forward to Christmas. It makes me so sad to know what this year has done to me. Will I ever be the same person?

Inspiration

2005-12-08T14:11:00.000-05:00

Lately I have needed some inspiration in my life. A motto or creed, or just something to get me through the day. I have recently settled on the song "Beautiful" by Carol King. I put my head phones on and set my iPod to play this over and over again on my metro ride into work. Not sure if it is working, but I am smiling as I walk into my building and prepare to start another day of not having a baby or being pregnant....

Well here is my inspiration!
Carole King - Beautiful Lyrics

You've got to get up every morning With a smile in your face
And show the world all the love in your heart
The people gonna treat you better
You're gonna find, yes you will
That you're beatiful as you feel

Waiting at the station with a workday wind a-blowing
I've got nothing to do but watch the passers-by
Mirrored in their faces I see frustration growing
And they don't see it showing, why do I?

You've got to get up every morning
With a smile in your face
And show the world all the love in your heart
The people gonna treat you better
You're gonna find, yes you will
That you're beatiful as you feel

I have often asked myself for reason for sadness
In a world where tears are just a lullabye
If there's any answer, maybe love can end the madness
Maybe not, oh, but we can only try

You've got to get up every morning With a smile in your face
And show the world all the love in your heart
The people gonna treat you better
You're gonna find, yes you will
That you're beatiful as you feel

Rants and Musings

2005-12-08T11:30:00.000-05:00

Today I was going to write about my appointment with the psychiatrist yesterday, or the wonderful world of commuting on the Washington metro in the morning, but I am compelled to write about the dismanteling of my beloved Red Sox.

Seriously, what are TPTB on the Red Sox doing? They are getting rid of just about everyone from the 2004 world series team, and that is making me very sad.

I should explain at this point that Mr. M and I are native to Massachusetts (but have not lived there for about 10 years now). To be a Red Sox fan is not simply a past time, it is a life style. But often it is not even a choice, it is an inborn trait. You are simply born a Red Sox fan. Infact we can't wait to have a child so that we can indoctrinate him/her in the ways of Red Sox fandom. Amazon even sells this completely precious Red Sox crib mobile. Which someday I will actually be able to buy.

Anyway this has put me into a funk this morning. But, thanks in part to my new medication, I am pretty even keeled right now. I even saw a pregnant woman this morning and did not want to cry or proclaim the unfairness of it all. Ohhh....I am a big fan of the new drugs!

Tomorrow, a run down of the appointment. I am still processing.

69XXY

2005-12-06T11:04:00.000-05:00

Finally got the genetic results from my most recent MC....69XXY. So the fetus had 3 copies of every chomosome, not good. But I can't seem to figure out how this happens. It could be 2 sperms fertilizing one egg, or it could be an egg that already has 2 copies of each chromosome and the sperm added a third. Either way I guess it is "goodish" news. It is rare and almost never repeats. Great, that is what they said about the first MC, a probable anencaphaly (neural tube defect resulting in a malformed head). How many rare things can happen to one girl??? Mabye I should start playing the lottery! LOL!

Anyway I got a referral to a different RE. My current RE is trying to push me into IVF with pre-implantation genetic diagnosis, and I am just not sure that is the answer. So I go to a new RE with a whole new set of tests I am sure. One thing this year has given me is the ability to give mass amounts of blood and not even notice. I can't even begin to count how many times I have been stuck this year!

OK, funny story. I found some (what I think to be anyway) tissue when i went to the bathroom last friday (This is not the funny part). I saved it in a sterile tube in a light saline solution (really I just mixed some salt in water) and saved it in the fridge until my appt this AM. At which point I gave it to my DR and explained how I had tried to preserve the sample. She just looked at me and said "What is your profession?" LOL I almost never tell DRs my science background, I want them to treat me like anyother patient. But I had to tell her at that point that I have a PhD in Molecular Cell Biology and that is how I would have preserved a specimin in lab and so I thought it best for this tissue as well. I guess I never thought how weird it would look. So the nurse came in to draw my beta and said "I heard you made your own saline solution? We have never gotten that before." LOL! I hope I gave them a laugh this AM.

So the only thing with a 69XXY that is troubling is that it is sometimes associated with partial molar tissue. So they will now monitor my beta until it is less than 2. Otherwise I might actually get my first period since JULY!

I guess I am actually feeling a little positive right now. I am excited to see a new RE and start TTC again, looks like that will be in the February or March time frame.

That's a Wrap

2005-11-28T12:23:00.000-05:00

So I think this MC is FINALLY done. The cytotec did not work, so I had yet another D&C on November 18th. The DR is fairly certain she got everything out this time, but we will check with a beta at my 2 week follow up. I found out about this MC on September 30th, I just want this one to be done already.

In the meatime I saw my RE. Not sure what to think about that appt. We have done many of the standard tests. So far I am normal, whoopie. Only I am clearly NOT normal, as I have MC'd 3 times this year! My RE seems to think that IVF with preimplantation genetic determination (PGD) is the way to go for us. Hold the horses there. We did not get genetics from the first (although many seems to agree that it was some sort of anancephaly), the second was a chemical pregnancy and we are still waiting for genetics on the third, so why is the assumption that the problem is genetics?

And I found out that she herself had RPL only they never figured it out and are adopting. Now i have NO problems with this, but to me it seems a bit like going to a hair dresser who has a bad haircut....

Anyway I talked her into doing tests for PCOS. And we are going to try a few cycles of clomid with US monitoring. I have decided that I have an egg maturation process problem and clomid might help. My RE agreed that we could try this. But I am wondering if I should get another opinion? Without a medical degree, self-diagnosis only gets you so far. I want more from my RE than just "Yes, we can try this, but I really think you will need IVF with PGD."

Then Mr. M asked her for a referal to a mental health professional. Mr. M and I had discussed doing this, and disussed how I need to talk to someone about the miscarriages besides him, but I was a bit thrown off when he asked. I guess I feel like I should be handeling this better than I am. I have seen a psychologist before, so that is not the issue. I think it is that not only is my body failing me, but now my mind is....what is left?

And in between all of this was Thanksgiving. Mr. M and I decided to stay home. We originally thought I would be 18 weeks pregnant and would enjoy a quiet weekend at home, but when I mc'd we decided that we both needed time to heal and as much as we love our families, we needed space. So we were alone and it was WONDERFUL. It was like a mini-vacation at home. I might never travel home for Thanksgiving again!

Cytotec

2005-11-10T13:18:00.000-05:00

The story today is that I am still not done having this third MC, and I am so tired of it. where to start.....

I got pregnant for the third time in August 2005. i had an ultrasound at 8 weeks on september 17. the embryo measured a few days behind, but had a great HB around 160. The tech saw an area of bleeding and clotting around the embryo, but did not seem concerned. she had us come back in 2 weeks for a follow-up US. I was still having morning sickness, so I thought that everything was OK. I was having some brown spotting, but we assumed that was from the clot. The Drs office did not seem too concerned.

Mr. M and I went back on September 30 for the 2nd US......no cardiac activity. I just could not believe it, I thought that I would never have to hear those words again. But 8 months after my 1st MC, it was happening again. Now, I am not superstitious, but the 2 times this has happened to us we have had the US on a friday. NO MORE friday Ultrasounds, k?

Anyway I had my second D&C of this year on October 3. The DR told Mr. M that there had been alot of bleeding during the procedure. But we assumed that everything was OK. I went back for my D&C follow up 3 weeks later and that is where things actually got worse.

My OB, who I should say I like, saw something sticking out of my cervix and pulled it out with these huge scary tweezers. Yeah, gross and unpleasant all at once. Then we did an Ultrasound (OK really starting to hate those machines) and sure enough there is "something" in my uterus. could be left over from the MC or more blood clots. yum! so we do a follow up US a week later, no change. OK, um, yeah, now what.

2 betas later we have all come to the conculsion that there are products of conception left in there. thanks, love that term, products of conception. But I really do NOT want my 3rd D&C of the year, so I opt for the cytotec. cytotec, also called MISOPROSTOL, is one of the drugs in RU486. go ahead and google it for fun, you will get tons of anti-abortion sites. thanks world, like i need to compare what I am experiencing to an abortion. Don't get me wrong I am pro-choice. But this MC was NOT my choice and I don't need to be told that I am taking the devils' drug.

Anyway I am sitting around waiting for the medication to work. Nothing so far.

Why can't this be easy...I mean fine, I can't carry to term, I should at least be able to MC right....guess not. I hate my uerus right now.

Picture

2005-11-08T11:41:00.000-05:00

This is a picture of me and Mr. M about a year and a half ago at a friends wedding.

First Post

2005-11-08T11:25:00.000-05:00

This has been a stupidly difficult year for me and my husband. We got pregnant 3 times, only to miscarry each time. I am having a really hard time dealing with it, and need an outlet to vent and explain all these thoughts and feelings about life right now. I found a whole community of blogs about miscarriage and infertility and it really resonated with me. So I thought, why not have my own miscarriage blog???

my last name is french and has something to do with oranges, so I am "waiting for a baby orange" I will refer to my husband as Mr. M.

Let the blogging begin!